A Warden of Noble Blood
by JackOLantern1337
Summary: Elissa Cousland lives a charmed existence. Born into nobility, raised by loving parents, trained as a warrior and leader. But one day that all changes. Her home is destroyed. Her family is gone. Now she must save the world from a dreaded evil, while managing friends and relationships. Follow her as she recounts these events in her diary. Fem Cousland X Alister
1. Happy 19th Birthday to me

It was so nice of Fergus to give me this Diary for my birthday, I'm 19 years old as of 2 hours ago. They say most great leaders keep diaries, some sort of way to get their word in for when the history is written down I guess. I want to be someone great, like Moria the Rebel Queen,or her son Maric the Savior. People say I'm smart and charismatic. Could I join the ranks of those men and women? I don't know. I would like to say I have an idea where my future leads, but the truth is I have no idea.

Mother got me a book on needlework. I get the message mom but sorry I just don't find needlework all that interesting. But I thanked her nonetheless. If nothing else it's a nice thought. I've been getting along with mother a lot better lately. It's not like the old days when we'd fight about just about everything.

Oh and Oriana got me this lovely dress from Antiva, see mom I like "girly" things too.

Oren got me a book on Griffons, though truth be told it's more a present for himself than anything else. The little guy loves Griffons, just like I did when I was a girl. I can still remember how sad I felt when Mother told me they were extinct. When I have children I'll tell them that straight away, better to let them down early and easy. Or should I let them enjoy childhood fantasy for a while longer? Honestly I don't know if I've even gotten out of that stage myself. I suppose that's a good thing. Father and Fergus have always been young at heart. And yet when they need to be serious they are. I've seen father change his voice when the Banns argue. He sounds much more strong and authoritative. That's probably how he sounded when he commanded his men on the battlefield. Young at heart, old in mind.. Yes that's how I want to be. May the maker give me strength.


	2. Elissa Cousland Giant Rat Slayer

Your going to love this one. So Nan's screaming her head off, seems Griffon has gotten into the larder again. So me and Sir Gilmore come rushing in and yelling at the servants, poor wretches were to scared to confront Griffon. Not that I blame them of course, a Mabari can be quite scary if you don't know he'll do anything for a belly rub. After that he tends to be far less intimidating.

So anyway back to the story. We go in and he's just sniffing around. We start to wonder if something's going on and then bam. Giant Rats. Giant Rats leapt out and attack us. One of them even jumped at me, a Giant Flying Rat!, I cut him in half with my sword. Literally in half. When he was in the air. I would like to think it was the result of my skill with the blade, I've been practicing extra lately, but probably it was just coincidence.

I didn't even know rats got that big. I asked Roland about it and he didn't think the rats were anything too remarkable. I suppose it is one of the things you learn to deal with when your a peasant. Their are on books in the library about the various kinds of rats in Highover. Believe me I would know. Maybe I should buy one. Ha that would put me in the family history books. "Elissa Cousland the one who gave us the rat book." Sent back to Highover from both Denerum and Amaranthine for being "problematic." "Elissa Cousland the brat who got a Mabari because her brother got a baby." or "Elissa Cousland the one who got caught by the servants making out ,drunk, with some traveling Bard in the study" that was my low point.

Thankfully I've learnt to put my energy and my mind to more productive uses. And in my defense Fergus was even worse than me. Truly nobody expected him to get married. And if by some miracle he got married it would certainly not be to an Antivan. And it most surely would not be to the most straight laced Antivan in all of Antiva. They must have said something of the sort about my parents. We Couslands are indeed a remarkable lot. That's what my mother likes to say. And she should know. She married one of us. I wonder who I will wed. When I was a girl I always thought it would be the King, but Anora got their first. Probably for the best. I plan to stay unattached for at least five years, I need to get comfortable with myself before I make that kind of commitment. Still I am getting offers.

Hopefully he'll be someone nice, and good looking. That matters a lot as well.


	3. A Game of (small) Thrones

A bunch of Father's freeholders have decided to go and set off an explosion in the Teyrnir's politics. So here's the situation. During the Dark days of the war against Orlias, our ever faithful vessels, the Howe's decided to switch sides. Nobody's sure why old Tarelton did it, but the consensus seems he expected the Orlesinans to reward him by building up Amaranthine at the expense of Denerum and Highover. If that is true than he got what he wanted. But then he never got a chance to see his plans to fruition. Our forces overran Howe territory and seized Harper's ford, stringing the old bastard up in the town square ,before a jeering mob, shortly their after

And of course we all know how the rest of the story goes. The Howes saw the light and returned to the side of good. Father and the Arl became as close as brothers and they all united under Maric the savior, Teyrn Logain, and Queen Rowan to kick the Orlesians and their Chevaliers out of Ferelden.

But what of Harpers Ford? At first father wanted to return the land to Arl Howe. But the freeholders stalled. Somehow they knew, mother always says an old freeholder is the best measure of a lord's worth, what kind of man Rendon Howe turned out to be. So father, ever the just lord, agreed to their wish and kept the territory within Highover's realm, to the great consternation. As the years have gone by and the Arl ran Amaranthine further and further into the ground, his demands grew more frequent and more shrill and uncouth. I remember hearing him and my father have it out. The fit Howe threw over Father's refusal to give him back his "rightful lands" was worse than the tantrum he threw when Fergus married an Antivan.

For the life of me I do not understand how father can be friends with such a man. Nor do the Freeholders it seems. Every year they get more worried that father will just give in and sell them out to Howe, if only to get the man to shut up about it already. Of course that is stupid, even if father suffered from such a lapse of judgment mother would never approve of him giving Arl Howe more inch of Ferlden soil to turn into a crime ridden shithole. But still their fears remain. So they've decided that consolidating things into a Banorn, apparently thinking that will will solve their problems, if only because they will have one voice to advocate for them in the Royal Court before King Calilan "the Dreamy".

And they've been really clever in who they chose to be that advocate. Little ol me. They know I'm anxious to get out and make my mark in the world and and to do that I need land. And they know father knows it and wants to help me. They know that if it were not for the Arl both me and and father would say yes in a heartbeat. We might still, in spite of his no doubt vehement protests. I should be thrilled after all, lands of my own. This is what I've always wanted. Instead I'm terrified. I can't quite escape the feeling that something terrible is going to happen.


	4. Darkspawn

We just received word from the King. Darkspawn have emerged from the Kochari wilds.

Their have been sightings as far north as lake Calinhad. I said I wanted some action, but nothing like this.

The castle is bustling with activity. Blades are being sharpened, horses readied. The yard is abustle with activity. Soldiers from all over the Teyrnir are amassing in Highover.

My heart soars at the thrill of it all.

Yet to tell the truth I'm also scared shitless. I've read about the Blights and the horrors the Darkspawn brought to the surface in those ages. I've read about the armies they've smashed. The cities they have destroyed. The empires they have annihilated, and the Kingdoms they've laid to waste. All this is coming to Ferelden. My home. Thank the maker we seem to have caught it early, but even the shortest Blight lasted twelve years.

But others have lasted generations. But then again the duration of the Blights has been on a downward slope,192 years for the first,the second was 90,15 for the third, and 12 for the Fourth, maybe this one really can be smothered in it's crib. But alas, "catching it early would mean what a year of war? Two?

We will win in the end of course, as we always do. This tale always ends the same way, with a Grey Warden slaying the Archdeamon and the Darkspawn retreating back underground. But the cost. How many thousands will die before this war ends? Will I be among them? Will Father and Fergus die. I mustn't let such thoughts get to my head.


	5. A Modest Proposal

A modest proposal

Howe is okay with me becoming Bann of Harpers Ford. Under one condition. I marry his son Thomas. I can see how he could see how to his mind this appears to be the perfect solution. The Freeholders of Harpers ford don't have to live under the Arl's domain and get to remain under Cousland rule. I get to govern my own lands. And of course Howe gets a marriage to the Cousland family, and once his grand child inherits my title, Harpers Ford will once again be ruled by the Howe's.

Just one problem. I don't want to marry Thomas, or for that matter anyone right now. Nor for that matter, I suspect, does Thomas want to marry me. Delilah told me that Thomas doesn't even like girls. But that would hardly be a concern to his father, Delilah should know that, he spent most of her life trying to foist the poor girl on Fergus. Anyway me and Thomas are hardly a match in temperament. I tried courting him, that's when Delilah told me about his taste in lovers. Besides, I've gotten the impression that we wouldn't have worked out even if he had been interested in women. We just never clicked.

I know it's probably selfish and I should probably just marry and let the love come latter. But my parents got a love match. My brother got a love math and maker dammit I'll marry for love as well.

I told father the match was off. He understands. Howe would never let his daughter chose for himself. Delilah and to do that all on her own. I wonder how he'll react when he finds out about her and that peasant. That would be the only thing that would make him angriest than he will be when he learns of my refusal. We've put the issue of Freeholders off for now, impending Darkspawn invasions must take priority after all, but Howe knows which way the wind is blowing. He and father will smooth it over. They always do. For some reason father just seems to ignore the man Howe's become and clings to the delusion that he's still the boy he knew. And if their is still some good within that slime ball, than father does it no service by enabling his worst behavior.

Well Father has his week spots and I have mine. I shouldn't judge him. Besides a lord must keep his vessels happy. Funny then I have hardly ever seen a smile out of Howe, especially of late.

Enough of love on to war. We are still scrambling to mobilize our forces. I mostly spend my days training with our soldiers in the yard. Their fine men, though I am almost always able to defeat them. Only Fergus got the best of me, and that's because I let him win. Wouldn't want the men to see their commander be bested by his little sis now would we?


	6. Honored Guests

Honored Guests

Well with all this talk of Darkspawn I suppose it would be inevitable that a Grey Warden would show up at Highover. And so we have been honored with the presence of one Sir Duncan, Ferelden's very own Commander of the Grey.

Arl Howe also called us earlier in the morning. He and father talked about old times. Howe's men are delayed, he blames the rains, I blame his incompetence. He was in a good mood,as if a great burden had been lifted from his shoulders. Highly unusual.

Of course when he talks to me he is his usual snide self. "Your father trained you as a warrior. How unique." And your father trained you as a condescending ass. How unique. That's what I should have said to him. But alas he is our most powerful vassel and appearances must be maintained. If their is one lesson of mother's that I will remember it is this, "A lady must remember her courtesies." Howe said I took after. He meant it as an insult.

He didn't brooch the topic of Harpers Ford with me. However the first thing he did when we met was to say that Thomas asked after me. When I inquired to what end, Howe said I took after. He meant it as an insult, whatever our differences me and her are smart enough to detest that leach. He knew my response as I knew exactly to what end he asked the question. So I guess we both played our roles in the pageant of aristocracy quite well. Sometimes I feel our family only puts up with Howe out of pity.

Father has informed me that I will not go with him to Ostagar,rather I will be left in charge of the Castle. The early battles have gone well, so well that they are saying this might not even be a true Blight. I have terrible mixed feelings about this. What is worse, to be a coward or to be a bloody minded fool bent on glory? Father certainly wouldn't approve of ether. A true Cousland does not look for battle. But neither does she flee from it. We wade stoically and gallantly into the fray and pray it will be over quickly.

And it seems the war might be over soon indeed. Duncan reports the battles in the South have gone in our favor. Oh right I should say more about him.

Duncan is here to recruit my beloved human chastity belt ,Sir Gilmore, for the Grey Wardens. It's a great honor and I'm very happy for him. It's sad that he'll be going, but like I said it will be a great honor and I'll be able to let my hair down a bit more. At least until mother assigns another Knight to keep me out of trouble. I do that well enough on my own thank you ver much.

I wonder if I should become a Grey Warden. An unusual path for the daughter of a Teyrn I know. And it would make Mother furious (all the more reason to heed the call.) Though I suppose that with a Blight on the Grey Wardens will return to their formerly illustrious station in the eyes of the nobility. Their detractors are most certainly already helping themselves to sour slices of humble cake. Letting them back into the country was the second best decision Good King Maric ever made, the first of course was wedding Rowan Gurien. And if one counts kicking out the Orlesians, than those jump to third and second respectively.

Fergus will be leaving soon. I should say goodbye to him. Poor Oren will miss him terribly. So will Oriana, bless her fragile heart. But I'll be their for them. All of them. Tomorrow Father will march off with Duncan, Howe's men and the rest of our lads, and I'll be the lady of the Castle. Maker give me strength.


	7. All that remains

Their gone. Their all gone. It was my job to protect them. To defend Highover. And I failed. Mother,Father,Oriana….poor little Oren. Fergus. I failed him. I failed them all.

I should have died their. Hell on some level I wanted to die their. I owe my life to so many people. The only one still alive is Duncan, the Grey bastard who used the right of conscription to pull me from my father's side as he lay wounded. Why couldn't he have taken Mother? She's the one who fought in the war. All I've done was slay a bunch of rats.

Okay Okay. I'm alive. But I'm not okay. Were staying at a tavern in Lothering. I'm writing this inside the local Chantry. I couldn't stay in that Tavern. They were playing Mother and Father's song.

Duncan told me that a good way to process grief is to re live it. I guess if I write it all down, let it all out. I just want it to stop. And I hate myself for being so selfish.


	8. Howe's Treachery

I said goodbye to Fergus alongside everyone. If only I knew I would never see them again, their'd be so many things I'd say. I remember Oriana said she felt her heart was "disquiet." The rest of us kidded ourselves and put on brave faces. Were Couslands, it's what we do best.

I know mother felt the same thing. We talked just before we all said goodbye to Fergus. She told me that I was her darling girl and she loved me. I think she knew deep down that things would never be the same. I guess us women just have that sense.

Father and I talked. He said he was proud of me. He said that he trusted me. That I had grown into a sensible woman. And I repaid his trust by getting drunk and taking his second into my bed. Poor Dairen. He didn't deserve the fate that befell him.

The bastards struck while we slept. They would have slain me but Griffon heard the sounds of their slaughter and woke me. When I first saw the heraldry on their shields I couldn't believe it. Those were Howe's men. I always knew Arl Rendon was a no good corrupt snake. But I could never believe he could do something like this. My father was his best friend. By all accounts his only friend. For anyone to even think of doing something it just. it just. It makes me question if this whole world doesn't deserve to be consumed by the blight.

Mother found me in the halls. I was cut up after having slain the three who were signed to slay me. I saw the look in their eyes as they died. It gave me a horrible sort of satisfaction.

She tended my wounds. I might have died if not for her. One more thing to be thankful for.

We found Oriana and Oren dead in their rooms. Butchered. One of Howe's men was dead to. Oriana must have slain him. Howe used to said all sorts of vile things about her. Called her a foreign whore. Said she'd "soften" Fergus and lead to a generation of "halfbreed" Couslands. Well she managed to kill one of his goons with nothing but a kitchen knife and the determination to defend her son. She was so much better than Howe. She shouldn't have died like this.

I remember hearing Oren say he couldn't wait to see a real "sward" up close. The truly terrible thing is that I hope he'd died first. That would mean Orinana had to watch her boy die right in front of her, that must have broken her, but at least Oren wouldn't have to faced the end alone in their with those monsters. Maker imagine how scared they were. How they must have felt. Alone in that room with those Howe beasts coming at them. Did they die wondering why Auntie Elissa had deserted them? I used to hate being called that, it made me feel old. Stupid Stupid me.

I'll try to remember them as they were. Oren was such a sweet excitable little lad. I failed him. I failed them all. Howe will die for this.

After that we cut our way out from the tower. Most of it's a blur, but I remember the feel of my blade slicing off a knight's head as I danced around him. I think that might have been Captain Lowan. He knew me as a girl how could he let such a thing happen.

The fires. The screams of death. The blood. It was everywhere. I managed to rally some of the servants to the fight. Unlike some they remembered how good father and been to them. Maybe when all this is done they aught to throw Howe's in gheto's to be terrorized by up jumped bullies. The elves of Highover acquitted themselves well. Just as well as the men. I feel like I need to say that so it is not forgotten.

Our people fought hard. We managed to kill most of the assassins Howe had sneaked into the inner keep. Mother thought knew we could not hold. We managed to get to the treasure and rescue the Cousland Family sword and the Sheild of Highover. That is the blade I will take Arl Howe's head off with. This I swear by the maker and on the graves of everyone who died that day.

Their was this Mage in the grand hall. I will always remember how the lightning leapt out right in front of me. It was a miracle that I was able to dodge it. She tried to run, but I caught up with her and stabbed her in the back. She pleaded for mercy. Just like I'm sure Oren did.

Sir Gilmore rallied the rest of the lads to hold the gates. They barred them and held them till we could escape. Till I could escape. That brave fool loved me. I see that now. I didn't deserve any of it.

I found Nan's corpse just outside the door of the Larder. Both of the women who raised me are dead.

Father was by the escape tunnel. Cut up, lying in a puddle of his own blood. He thought only of us. He said he couldn't stand. When I said we'd have to drag him out he joked that we'd leave peaces of him behind. Even at the verge of death my father could find humor.

The only reason he lived that long was because Duncan had fought by my father's side and brought him to safety. But he is one man I will not thank.

Father begged him to take me and mother to safety. I would rather have stayed their and died at my post. With my family. But it was father's will. The bastard would only fulfill my dying father's last wish in exchange for a soldier. The mercurial fuck. What vile sort of man bargains with a man on his deathbed I do not know. Father wanted me to join. He said we do our duty first. But I wouldn't hear of it. Duncan had to invoke the right of conscription. He saved my life. I am not thankful.

Mother would not leave. She stayed to defend Father to the last. I tried to convince her otherwise. But the gates came down. Duncan ordered me off and I just left them. Now that I think about it, it almost seems like I finally, in that moment, accepted that they wanted me to go and that I should go.

It feels good to write this down. Let all those feeling spill out. I think I'm going to be alright. I may not be able to thank Duncan for saving my life. But I can thank him for this. And I guess that's a start.


	9. My most faithful companion

I've been so absorbed by my own sadness that I forgot to think about how Griffon is dealing with all this. He adores children, and I suspect he loved Oren more than me, and I'm his imprint. Not that I blame him. I miss the little lad.

Griffon acquitted himself well in the battle, tearing out more than a few Howe throats. Maker I hope he doesn't take a liking to the things.

He's taken a liking to Duncan though, so have I,no not in that way. He's a professional and he does his job, but it's clear he has a soul. Plus he's kind enough to put up with my grousing. The grief. It comes and goes now. One day I'll seem fine, and then I think of Oren riding on Griffon, pretending to be high over the Anderfalls. Or of father telling me he was proud. Or mother, maker I never really got to say goodbye. Then the tears start.

Griffon seems more somber, less a cheerful pup, more a stoic war hound. Whenever I feel the worse he stays by my side. He puts my feelings above his own. I should try to return the favor.


	10. From Ostagar

I write from the ruins of Ostagar. I had to tell Cailen my father was dead. He said he'd bring the army to kill him as soon as he was finished with the Darkspawn. I think I may have been a bit to harsh to him. But he took it in stride. Whatever else they say about him our King is a good man. His Majesty told me that Fergus and Highover Cavalry are out scouting in the wilds. I won't be able to talk with him until after the battle is over.

Honestly I was not eager to see him. How do you tell a man his wife and child are dead. Will he feel the same hole in his heart that I've felt? In a way it's almost like I'll be wounding him. I felt this deep pain in my chest. I never thought heartbreak could be so literal. And the way he'll look at me. He won't scream at me, call me a failure, or ask why I was fucking Dairen instead of protecting his wife and child. But he'll think those things and I'll know it.

Dam it here I am wallowing in self pity instead of being greatful for having survived. Nan would have whacked me over the head and told me to stop moping around.

Ostagar is beautiful in a cold, ruined, desolate sort of way. Oriana would have wanted to make a painting of it. It's fitting we face the Darkspawn here, given that it's the Vints dam fault the Darkspawn exist at all.

The Circle of Magi are here , as is also fitting, and accompanying them are of course the usual horde of Templars. The Grand Cleric is here as well. You can't swing a cat and not hit somebody important in Ostagar.

I talked to one, a woman by the name of Wyne. She was nice, I imagine my Grandmother would look like her, had she lived to see that age.

Duncan wants me to complete a secret ritual called "the joining". Suposedly it is quite dangerous. It would be sort of funny for me to survive all this and then die now. Then again we are staring death in the face just across the valley. Odd that an army about to face Darkspawn is the safest place for me right now.

The King wants to end the Bligh with a single decisive battle. Teyrn Logain is not convinced nor is Duncan, who wants to wait for reinforcements from the Grey Wardens of Orlais, or even just Redcliffe's men. But our monarch is confident of victory. But the Ash Warrior scouts speak of a vast horde. Hopefully the walls of Ostagar will protect us. Maker I hope Fergus is alright.

It is rumored that the King and the Teyrn quarrel over more than just battle strategies. I spoke with Logain. He seems harried, almost tired. He doesn't seem to think as highly of the Wardens as Maric did. I have to agree with him about strategy, based on history the idea of ending a Blight in one day sounds rather foolish. He doesn't seem to be aware that Duncan shares most of his concerns. Were the two to join forces I am almost certain they could sway the King.

A soldier with a fabulous beard, by the name of Hawke,flagged me down. Apparently they locked up some poor bastard for deserting, but forgot to send the guards anything to feed him with. I had to go convince the man guarding him to give the poor sod his lunch. Is this the kind of drudgery they'll expect of me as a Grey Warden?

Duncan wanted me to speak to a Warden named Alistair about the joining, but I couldn't find him, so I was stuck wandering around the camp, which as you can see from above hasn't exactly been boring. I also ran into the two other recruits in my "class." Daveth is a street tough from the capital who Duncan saved from execution. The very fact that in happier times I would have even considered fucking him fills me with repulsion. He thinks that Duncan intends to send us out into the wilds. Maker this day gets more and more eventful.

The other was Jorry, who I would never under any circumstances at any point of my life considered fucking. He's a Knight from Redcliffe, one of Arl Eamon's Knights. Unlike Daveth he appears thrilled at the prospect of being a Warden. So much so that he left his pregnant wife, a Highover girl by the name of Helena, who he adores, in Redcliffe to join the cause. To be fair he says he will return to her when the war is done. I think Helena was the name of one of the daughters of Ser Jacen Forth, the Master of arms at Highover until he retired a few years ago.

I have never heard of Wardens leaving the order in any circumstances that didn't involved their death. Jory doesn't seem like the brightest bulb on the tree, but he is committed to the cause, and I suspect, a good soul. Plus he won the grand mele of Highover, so he must have some talent. Fergus would have won if he hadn't been to sick to compete.

I still haven't been able to find Alister so I've stopped for a bit to have lunch with some Ash warriors and write. I'll go talk to Duncan about this when I finish my meal.


	11. Alistair

I finally found Alistair. He was stuck on errands on the order of the Grand Cleric, who was using him to convey a message, to the mages. He used to be a Templar you see. This encampment is like a party,everyone gets along so well. He is a very glib fellow,especially one who was raised by the Chantry. I like that.

He also resembles King Cailin to an astonishing degree. They must be related. Then again the Therin's are related to just about every family in the country by this point, certainly all the Highborn ones. Apparently he was forced into the Templars against his will, and Duncan had to risk offending the Grand Cleric to conscript him, something Alistair is eternally grateful for by the way, so he must be someone of value, or the Chantry wouldn't care if he left. I know of several houses who pledged young children to the Templars. But I won't pry. If he wants to keep such things a secret than that's his business, I certainly have no room to judge on that front.

And Daveth was right, Duncan does intend to send us into the wilds. We need to collect three vials of Darkspawn blood,one for each of us, plus some old treaties from a ruined outpost, those should come in handy if the worse happens. Collecting the components is supposed to be some sort of team building exercise, I myself would have gone for trust falls. Alistair is the most junior member of the order and so will accompany us into the wilds like a chaperone. It's like when I was young and they sent Fergus to chaperone me at formal gatherings. Of course Mother always told me I was their to spy on him and keep him out of trouble. And having the other their did put a damper on the worse of our debauched antics. I wonder if I'll see Fergus out in the Wilds. Maker I hope not.


	12. Into the Wilds

Finally the story's really getting going. Hope you like. Please leave feedback.

The Korcarie wilds are an eerie place. The pines loom above you, surround you, make you feel small. It was worse since we traveled on foot.

Wolves set upon us as soon as we went beyond the shadow of Ostagar's walls. Daveth slew half before they even reached our blades, he's shown surprising spirit for a gutter thief from Denerim. One of them slammed into my shield sent me tumbling into the shallow creek nearby, and flung me to the ground. I had lost my sword,but I was barely able to grab my shield before the beast was upon me. As I fought with every ounce of strength to keep those thrashing fangs from ripping my very scared looking face off, I begun to comprehend what those Howe men who faced Griffon had felt.

. Right before my strength gave in, Alistair found me, and stabbed the animal. The wolf had no idea what was happening, nor did I. So imagine me lying their on my haunches, my mouth agape in bewildered frozen terror, and you'll have the absurd scene. I must admit I blushed a little when he extended his hand to help me up. What am I twelve? And at a time like this.

Near the base of the hill we found an injured scout. He claimed his entire party had been killed by darkspawn. He was a bloodied wreck and part of me thought we should put the poor man out of his misery. Thankfully Alistair had better knowledge of healing than I and was able to patch him up enough to return to camp. He said his scouting band was ambushed by darkspawn. He had a wild look of terror in his eye, one that seemed to me to be half mad.

We later found his comrades bodies strew about the marsh. Several were hanged on a dead tree. The darkspawn must be intelligent enough to understand to understand intimidation.

Their strategy certainly got the better of Jory. So much so that Alistair and I had to stop to calm him down. Apparently all joined Grey Wardens can sense darkspawn. As Daveth snaked that, "we may die, but we'll be warned about it first." I cannot blame Sir Jory for his fear. I felt something of the sort as well. But after having your home destroyed and your relatives butchered, other terrifying things just pale in comparison. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

We first encountered the dreadful creatures near some ruins. Fighting those things…it was like holding off the wild bloodlust of the wolves and the human cruelty of Howe's men rolled into one foul abomination. The creature I fought, a Hurlock, Alistair later informed me, it had a face. It looked human. Except it wasn't. It's features kind of remind you of a corpse. Except I don't think corpses display any active malice.

We encountered several more bands of darkspawn as we made our way to the outpost. One of them was a mage, called an Emissary. Unlike the Apostate I faced before, this one wore surprisingly elaborate armor, it even had a skull on it's chest. It wore some sort of freaky headdress as well, with blades jutting out of one side and it's face covered with leather strips.. It sent some sort of spell into the air, my guess a summons to allies, it didn't have the chance to do much else because we quickly fell upon it and slew it. We moved just a bit across the bridge, and suddenly we were attacked by half an army of darkspawn. Amongst them were short creatures, called Genlocks.

Alistair told me that Grey Wardens say they are corruptions of Dwarves, twisted parodies of the stout men of the Deep Roads. All around I would prefer to face Hurlocks. End it was a struggle to face both together, turing to keep my eyes dead ahead and yet watching for creatures half my hight turing to kneecap me. I can't wait until I can sense darkspawn. Then I'll only have to worry about Howe's men slitting my throat while I sleep. I should make not that I only know some of these things because I insisted we stop to study it and see if it had valuables on it's person, for intelligence purposes, in spite of what Daveth thought.

The outpost as it turned out was on a hill. The darkspawn, as it turned out, had already reached it. This, I discovered, only when an arrow struck my shied. We fell back and had Daveth pick off their Archers. Jory said it was cowardly. I asked him if he wanted us to charge through a hail of arrows, and he remained silent. Several Hurlocks grew impulsive and charged down the hill to flus us out. We slew them with ease. We then charged put the hill and clashed with the survivors. Our biggest challenge was the leader, a Hurlock clad head to toe in hideous thick plate. I kept him busty while Daveth snuck around to stab him in the back. I had cheated death yet again.

We reach the top of the hill, ragged, cut up, exhausted, and generally just eager to see the last of this dam forrest, and what do I find? No treaties!

I hardly had time to take in the revelation when I heard a sultry voice say "well well what have we here". It was a girl, around my age, though, judging by her haughty demeanor, she seemed to think herself much older. She asked if we were "scavengers or intruders". The question was superfluous, I am certain she already knew the answer.

I do it too, ask a question you already know the answer to to see how the other guy responds. That can give you clues about how they think.

Alistair urged me not to answer, citing the fact that their were probably other Chasind nearby. Morrigan asked, again rhetorically, if we feared that barbarians would "swoop down upon us." This led our senior Warden to state that "swooping is bad." Good to know. Daveth was of the opinion that she was a witch of the wilds, and sought to put us in the cook pot. Jory opined that if the pot was warmer than the forest than that would be a nice change. I couldn't help but agree.

She seemed to take a liking to me, saying that women didn't "frighten like little boys.", and asked my name. I told her mine, and she told me hers. She did not deny being an apostate, doing so would be useless as the staff on her back and general demeanor gave her away. Plus their is no way she could wear only skimpy rags in a place as cold as this forest without some kind of magic. When Alistair informed her of the Chantry's view of such mages she simply replied that she had nothing to fear from priests. I suspect she's had some run ins with the Templars.

Alistair demanded that she return the treaties at once but Morrigan said she would not, as she was not the one that removed them. I asked her who did and she revealed the culprit was her mother, and offered to take us to her. Normally I would be against going deeper into an uncharted forest with a strange,probably criminal, woman, Fergus found out that's a bad idea the hard way. But we had a mission to fulfill, and i had confidence that if it turned out to be a trap me and my "noble companions" would be able to fight them off.

Her mother lived in a small hut entombed in the forest. Their didn't appear to be any others for miles. As it turned out she had been keeping the treaties safe. She claimed that she was expecting us, which Alistair doubted. Morrigan's mother shared her daughter's low opinion of men and favorable opinion of me. She asked if my "woman's mind" gave me a different viewpoint. I told her I didn't know what to believe and she seemed pleased, saying that my statement possessed more wisdom that it implied. Then she mixed up wisdom with obliviousness and went on a bizarre tangent.

As it turned out the seas had naturally weekend over time, but this women had taken it upon herself to keep them safe. She claimed the Blight was a greater threat than we realized. When I asked her what she meant by that she said that the threat was is ether greater or we realize less. And then asked herself if the threat was nothing, or we realized nothing. She then burst out into the exact sort of cackle one expects of a witch.

I am still not sure what to believe. This woman seemed quite mad. And yet somehow it seemed to me she knew more than all of us. I am getting an ominous feeling. Like the walls of fate are drawing closer and closer in a trap, and we stand here to blind dumb and deaf to realize what is happening.

After we received the treaties Morrigan's mother had her show us out of the woods and back to Ostagar. By that time it was dark and witch or no, we would have been lost in those Darkspawn infested woods without this girl's aid. She acted as if we were all children beneath her notice. And yet I detected a certain curiosity, maybe even vulnerability, wanting to reach out.

When we reached the gates I wished her well and offered to pray for her and her family's safety.

Morrigan said it would be a waste of time but that she appreciated the sentiment nonetheless. She seemed taken aback by the whole thing. Like this was the first positive reaction she had with anyone other than her mother. Living life like that, trapped in those woods, it must be horrible.

The others went to looking for Duncan, while I went to the infirmary to see the soldier Alistair had saved. I wanted to know if he had any idea of what had happened to my brother. He was half mad, delirious according to the nurse who aided him. He lurched up on the bed and ranted about this size of the army. He then shouted that we needed to run. That the King and the Grey Wardens would all die and the darkspawn would crawl along the land like caterpillars, taint it and turn it black. Then, as the nurse tried to wrestle him into calm, he collapsed back onto the bed, sobbing and asking for his mother. I remember some of those cries. From both our men and the Howe's. I want my mother too. I want my brother too. I still have no idea if Fergus is back from his mission, if he's alive, dead, or trapped alone in that forest. Tired, cold, afraid.

The reminder proved to much and I ran out of their. By then the others had found Duncan. The Circle mages were already preparing for the joining. And I finally managed to get a straight answer about him about the Joining. He said that we Grey Wardens pay a heavy price for what we become. And, when he said this with a sad sort of determination, as if fate had decided that it was the way things would be, that some of us might pay that price sooner rather than latter. I got that feeling again.

I write this from an Ancient Temple to a corrupted god, where we await the joining. Alistair is off in a corner biting his nails and looking nervous. For some reason I think of the way Fergus acted when Oren was born, pacing around, nervous, and angry about his inability to do anything. Except their is none of the excitement. None of the joy, for obvious reasons. And he seems to act as if he knows something terrible will happen. I still have no idea if Fergus is back from his mission, if he's alive, dead, or trapped alone in that forest. Tired, cold, afraid.

I sit alone in another corner and write this. Honestly it just helps keep my mind from thinking of the worse. Jory is in a state of barley contained panic, and complains that Duncan never told him about this ritual, and moans about how he wouldn't have joined if they had told him about the ritual. And Daveth. He's been the one to take it on the chin and not burden any of us with his problems. Indeed he actively seeks to calm down Jory, claiming that the secrecy is justified, and pointing out that the Grey Wardens have protected the world from the Blight before, and know what it takes. I'm sure he's terrified. I am scared too. But I don't let my fear show. What good would that do? Jory's conduct has been unbecoming of a Warden. We may not have known about this ritual, but we all knew their were risks, and he was the one who rant to the colors, whereas myself and Daveth were conscripted. It is no crime to be afraid. But it is to let it show. Doing that only spreads the panic to the rest of us, and that's something we can ill afford.

Well maybe Duncan can whip him into shape. I see Daveth in a whole new light. And even Jory has his more redeemable moments. If we all survive this me Alistair,Jory and Daveth will make a team. If we survive this. I can see Duncan coming in with a Chalice.

If I don't survive this, to whomever finds this journal, I assume it will be Alistair, burn it. I do not want to burden any next of kin with my doubts and ill thoughts. Let them believe what they want about how I lived my life and met my end. And tell Fergus and Griffon that I love them. And that I am so sorry.


	13. After the Joining

Jory and Daveth are dead. Two more friends I've lost. As it turned out the "Joining" means we drink the blood of the darkspawn. It grants us the ability to track the Darkspawn, or rather their blood, it makes us immune to the taint and gives us the ability to slay the Archdemon

"Join us Brothers and Sisters. Join us in the Shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us in the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten, and that one day we shall join you." Those were the words Alistair said, solemnly, his head bowed, in the Dark gloom, in a ruined temple to a tainted god.

I remember it so well. And yet it almost feels like a bad dream.

Duncan bade Daveth to step forward. He did so, putting on a brave face. My memory might be doing me false, but I think I remember him winking. Duncan handed him the cup and he drank. Duncan stepped back. For an instant he just hunched over a bit. I thought he would be alright. Then he bent over clutching his head and let out a sheik of pain. He jerked his head up at Duncan. I suppose he was looking for the Commander of the Grey to save his life once again. But he couldn't do anything. His legs gave way and he collapsed to the ground clutching his throat. Daveth was dead inside of a minute. All I heard Duncan say, in a quiet, laden voice was "I am sorry Daveth." Normally I would say the Maker wasted a good man. Except I don't think their was any of the Maker's light in that concoction.

Jory was reaching for his sword before Daveth had even stopped convulsing. "Step Forward Jory". Duncan said in the same low voice. Jory already had his sword drawn. He pleaded in a fast panicked tone that he had a wife and a child. He would have said that had he known this he would not have joined up, but Duncan simply reminded him, in that same low voice, that their was no turning back. I just stood their not knowing what to do, I looked to Alistair, who had his blade drawn, but was watching the scene just as astounded as I was. Then I looked to Jory, our poor foolish comrade, retreating towards the wall. Duncan advanced on him, armed only with the Chalice, but with the look of a Mabari honing in on a threat.

"No you ask to much their is no glory in this", he stammered. Then Duncan drew his blade and charged. Jory died with his sword in his had facing his enemy. If anyone asks me what happened to him that's all I'm going to say. I thought I heard Duncan whisper "I am sorry"

But the joining was not yet done. As Jory's corpse lay bleeding on the cold dead stone, I stepped forward. Duncan said "you are called upon to submit yourself to the taint for the greater good." My heart pounded in my chest. Duncan's words replayed in my head _Their is no going back._ He handed me the cup. I marshaled all my courage and drank. Honestly, I forgot what it tasted like. I forgot most of what happened next.

Duncan said something and then I felt a deep pulsing hum in my head. Then my sight left me and I felt my legs giving way.

I dreamed. Or had visions. Whatever they were, all I can remember was the Dragon ,the Archdemon I think. It reeked of corruption and death. I remember the Dragon's great looming wings, and jagged fangs that bore down on me. It's roar was a thing that could shake the earth. I felt like I was small again, wanting to run to Nan and beg her to make it go away. But she is dead, and so are Mother and Father. And I have learned that their is no hiding from monsters.

Alistair and Duncan were there when I woke. Seeing them was a relief, especially Alistair. Somehow just seeing their reassuring faces, knowing they had been though what I had been through, was a great comfort. I don't blame him for Jory's death. Our dear Knight was dead as soon as he drew his blade against his commanding officer. They gave me a pendant containing just a trace of the blood. To remind us Wardens of the eternal vigil we maintain against the Darkspawn horde. And of those who did not make it. Alistair has one too, as does Duncan. Alistair and I talked for a bit, mostly about his joining, he lost a friend their too, and about what had happened. We agreed to go with my story about what had happened to Jory. Our poor cowardly friend deserved that much. But who will mourn Daveth? He never told us about any family or friends he had in Denerum. Alistiar suggested that burden would have to fall on us. Poor Daveth deserved much more. He could have been a great Warden. Now people will only remember him as a gutter rat from the slums, if they remember him at all. I suppose I have to stop thinking about these things for a while, we have a battle to fight.

Duncan wants me to attend a council with the King. I believe he suspects my noble blood will lend him credibility amongst the Ferelden nobility. It won't do much, if anything they would be more upset about him taking Highover's heir out of the line of succession, or depending on how good their claims are, secretly thrilled. But it doesn't really matter what they think. The nobles serve the King, and the King worships the ground Duncan walks on. Even Logain will have to bite his tongue.

The Council meeting was contentious. Logain wasn't keen on letting the King fight on the Front Lines, and he was even less keen on waiting for the Orlesians. He seems to believe they intend to conquer us again. I can't say I disagree with him, given what happened in Nevara. Still, no one nation, even with Grey Warden help, has ever repulsed a Blight. I can't help but think we are making a grave error in not waiting for reinforcements. But I am a young girl and know little of the ways of war.

The plan is to split our forces. Cailin and half the army will position themselves right outside the fortress, within range of archers perched on the walls. Meanwhile Logain's contingent will be posted on a forested hill at our flank, hopefully unseen by the Darkspawn. The King will trick the Darkspawn to charging our lines, then, once they are engaged, a beacon shall be lit from the Tower of Ishal, and Logain's forces will charge and take them from the rear. The King has decided to assign me and Alistair to light the beacon, never mind Logain already has troops stationed their. I confess I felt a great relief at not having to face the Darkspawn again, at least if all goes according to plan. These last few days have been one brush with death after another.

And I confess I have no desire to repeat the experience. Of course my assignment probably has more to do with a desire to safeguard the heir to Highpoint than anything else. Presumably Alistair is included in this to make the King's intentions less obvious. If I die that leaves only one heir of Bryce Cousland alive, and if Fergus dies then our line is ended. I will not give Arl Howe that satisfaction.

Duncan told them to consider the possibility of the Archdemon showing itself. Maker I hope not. Does he know something he's not telling me? I've earned my place. When will all those secrets stop? Logain said their had been no sightings, while the King asked if that was not the reason the Wardens were here. Duncan seemed abashed.

Some Mage interjected, saying that the tower was unnecessary. He started to say something about the Circle of Magi but the Grand Cleric shut him down, declining to trust any lives to the spells of mages. Of course that would be a rather odd thing to tell our wounded receiving healing magic. But when has zealotry ever bowed to logic or facts. Logain rejected the plan out of hand, saying what we have suffices. He's probably right, it would be extraordinarily difficult to change battle plans so quickly. Unless he has something truly extraordinary, a devastating spell perhaps? We should have at least heard him out.

The King is possessed by vapid dreams of glory, the Hero of the River Dayne is to focused on old enemies, and not the threat in front of us, and the Chantry and Mages are at each other's throats. Even Duncan can't convince them all to get along. Woe is Ferelden. Woe is Thedas.

Nevertheless I am a Grey Warden, I must do my duty no matter what. I think of Alistair and Duncan. Whatever happens I am no longer alone. See you on the other side.


	14. After Ostagar

King Cailin is dead. Most of the army is dead too. As far as I know only myself and Alistair survived. But it can't be just us. Their were so many people at Ostagar. Fergus was at Ostagar. Some of them must have made it. The Maker can't be that cruel. I suppose I should explain what happened, for as far as I know I may be the only one who can.

The sprawling encampment was empty as we made our way towards the bridge, Griffon trotting gallantly alongside. In spite of the ease of our assignment, both Alistair and I were on edge. The rain didn't help either. I had heard that Darkspawn could effect the weather during a Blight, blotting out the sun with Dark clouds in order to shield themselves from the sun. I asked Alistair if that was true. He grimaced and told me that they hadn't told him about that, but thanked me nonetheless for freaking him out even more. For some reason things like these stay put in my mind, even amongst all the fear and death.

The battle had already commenced by the time we reached the bridge. Of course by that time the eerie quiet had ceased, I had to bob and weave to avoid bumping into any of the men and women scrambling to their posts. Flaming borders soared overhead, one struck a tower right across the bridge, collapsing it. Me and Alistair ran over the bridge, dodging arrows and ballista bolts. A bolt hit near us sending me tumbling to the ground. As I scrambled to my feat I got a good look at the enemy army. The forest was lit up for leagues. They stretched out across the land like a flaming serpent. A serpent that would devour the world.

After we scrambled off the bridge me and Alistair thought the worse was over. But as I saw two far off figures scrambling out the tower gate I knew something had gone wrong. The two men were a Mage named Tam and I recognized the other as Hawke. They explained that the Darkspawn had stormed the tower through some ancient Tevinter tunnels and killed most of the garrison.

Obviously we couldn't let the beacon go unlit, let alone have the Darkspawn move in on the army's flanks. Alistair said what I was thinking. I ordered Hawke to inform the King of what had happened and maybe get us some reinforcements. I have no idea if the message got through.

And so Two Wardens, a Mage, and a Mabari prepared to attack a tower full of Darkspawn. Tam pointed out the insanity of it all. I'm not sure if I actually said this, or merely thought it, but I looked back on all that had happened, all the horror that I had already faced, and said to myself, "It's hundreds of them against four of us. Poor buggers." Then we rushed through the door.

Almost as soon as we entered the courtyard, we were greeted by a hail of arrows, coming from platforms near the tower entrance. I raised my shield and out of the corner of my eye I saw a rabble of Genlocks and Hurlocks charging us. Me and Alistair held steady while Griffon flanked them from the side. Tam targeted the archers at the top of the platform. I got three. We charged ahed to find a squad of soldiers holding a mound of high ground against a mob of Darkspawn. They were being overwhelmed. The Darkspawn sensed me and Alistair at the same time I sensed them. Most broke off to attack us. Things got a bit hairy. In the blur of the melee I though I saw my sword alight. To be honest I thought I was going mad. But I could smell the Darkspawn's corpses burning. And feel the heat on my palm. Alistair's blade was also ablaze. Tam explained that he had cast a fire spell on our blades. I told him that while I was thankful for the help, he should ask me next time he did something like that.

We and the survivors, six men led by a Captain Crenic, pressed on towards the tower. Near the entrance we faced another squad, this one led by an Alpha. I engaged it, and with a little help from a lightning and a slow spell, was able to slay it. That Tam was a dam hero. He didn't deserve to die. None of them did.

The interior of the tower was more open than I would have expected. The ceiling towered leagues above us. An Ogre would have room to run around in their. Now that I think about it, it makes sense for a fortress built by mages to have so much space. You can't throw a fireball in a cramped space and not expect to maim yourself as much as your opponent. Alas our Tam did not know how to throw fireballs.

But the Darkspawn emissary did. The bastards waited on the other side of the room and shot at us with arrows. Tam cast some lightning spells and the rest of us formed a shield wall and prepared to move up. One of the soldiers pointed out a grease trap that the Darkspawn had set. While the poor man tried to disarm it, the dam emissary they had with them threw a fireball, infighting the trap and incinerating our brave comrade. I couldn't help but hear the screaming for the rest of the night. I'll remember that horror as long as I live. One of many.

The rest were archers, who we quickly dispatched. Alistair took the emissary's head.

We fought another squad on the stairs up to the next floor. Turns out having the high ground is not necessarily decisive.

The Second floor was a blood soaked disorienting meandering nightmare. The Darkspawn hid in the narrow rooms and waited for us to walk pace before ambushing. Their were ballista two on the floor .Crenic and his men maned them. I'm sure it killed some darkspawn, but from my perspective it just added to the mayhem. The rest of us had to dodge the bolts as well as look out for Darksapwn. Tam paid them back in kind by unleashing a cone of fire on some darkspawn. At times we were surrounded, and I felt for sure we were done for.

Two of Tam's men went ahead and scouted a room without us. We heard their screaming and returned to find them butchered. We avenged the poor lads. I confess, the fighting on the last two floors blurs together in my mind. Some times it's even contorted with Howe's attack. All of this is why I try to avoid sleep as much as possible. The one thing I specifically remember about the third floor was releasing a squad of imprisoned Mabari to maul the Darkspawn to death. I think Griffon really enjoyed the company. And the others enjoyed having a helping hand, or should I say helping paw, to deal with the enemy. Except for Tam, who loudly proclaimed his disappointment about not being able to cast another fire spell.

The Captain was concerned that since the Darkspawn's entry point had not been secured, more could have infiltrated the tower. And they could be heading up the stairs towards us. Alistair told them that reinforcements were on their way and that it was nothing to be concerned about. Hindsight proved the captain's wisdom. But the man insisted. I said we should just let them form a rearguard. If only to rest up a little. Tam called them all cowards and said he was with us to the end. Hindsight proved the captain's wisdom. I confess, shamefully, to have held a similar taught, but in the end these men had performed above and beyond the call of duty and they earned the right to show a bit of cowardice. Of course this rested on the presumption that we would face minimal or not opposition on the roof. An assumption of mine that was made false by the gigantic horned bloodthirsty monstrosity we found feasting on a man at arms.

We tried to dance around it, nipping and slashing at it's heals, exhausting it. It would smash it's fists on the ground, sending us flying, beat it's chest, and charge. We'd have to scramble out of the way or be crushed. Tam's slow spells really came in handy then. After a turn though he seemed to grow weary. The constant battle and spell casting had worn him down and he couldn't make the sprints. I yelled at him to keep up, but he just stoped and marshaled all his strength into one last blast of fire. But the beast ran though the flame and broke his unarmored body against the wall. May our gallant friend rest at the makers side.

We kept at it. That was then the Ogre ripped up a chunk of the floor and flung it at us. . We barely managed to dodge, but were flung to our feet. I stumbled up to see Alistair ensnared in the thing's gauntlet. It was smashing him with it's fist over and over again. I thought he was dead. And I just lost it.

I started shouting at the thing, cursing it with every foul word under the Maker's sky. I don't even think it was to get the thing's attention. It was just the pent up rage of a woman who had seen her family murdered before her very eyes, spent an entire day fighting what most would have seen as a lifetime's work of Darkspawn, been lied to by the highest ranking authority figure in her order, seen her greatest heroes act like quarrelsome fools, and now was seeing her greatest friend in the order, probably her last remaining friend in the whole world, being smashed to bits by a foul monstrosity. You'll pardon me if I conducted myself like a blood drunk Dwarven berserker.

It looked at me, and turned it's head towards Alistair, and flung him away like a discarded toy. It charged. I stood my ground. One way or another, I thought, this will all be over. It was a very selfish thing to do I confess, somebody had to survive to light the beacon, and to avenge the murder of my family, but at that moment I forgot all of that. It rose it's arm to strike me, I slashed him and dodged to the side. That was when I found an opening right near it's shoulder. I slashed my sword up, slicing though his thick Darkspawn hide. The family sword must have hit something vital, because it drew back, exposing an opening dead center, which I went for. He now fell back on his heals, blood pouring out of his sides. I flung myself onto him, staring his shoulder to gain a grip, and sent him falling onto the floor. I withdrew my blade and with one final great effort, stabbed it right between the eyes.

I clambered off, dazed, shocked and blood soaked. Griffon trotted up to me, nuzzling his nose at my side. I must have made for quite the sight. You'll have to ask Alistair about that, funny what a difference a bit of armor makes. He struggled to his feet, limping, it was clear he'd broken something. I ran to him but he waved me off, reminding me of the beacon. The wood was already stacked and a fire was burning. I had only to remove one of the pieces, and then the beacon went up.

That was when I heard the sound of Dakrspawn footsteps heading up the stairs. The poor Captain had been right. I ran to cover Alistair, who was too wounded to do anything but urge me . They burst though the gate, firing arrows. I shielded Alistair from some, but one struck me in the shoulder,I dropped my shield, allowing them to hit me with six more arrows. The exact number was told to me by my saviors, but at the time I myself just remembered the first three, and then nothing but agony. As I closed my eyes, I heard the mocking laughter of ether the Darkspawn or the Archdemon itself, I couldn't tell. I heard Griffon snarling and mounting his last gallant defense, and I though I saw the window burst open into a thousand shards. Then I lapsed into the unconscious.

My sleep was dreamless, and I confess, I felt the best I had felt in a long while. I awoke in a bed, one that actually felt quite cosy, if a little damp. I thought I had died and gone to the makers side. Of course as it turned out I had not died, and I was in that hut in the Wilds, the one I mentioned earlier. Morrigan bandaged my wounds and was their when I awakened. I imagine patching me and Alistair up must have required more than a little bandaging, probably a lot of healing magic. She explained to me that her mother had turned into a giant bird and rescued me and Alistair from the tower. I'm pretty sure shapeshifting is not permitted by the Chantry, but I am not in a position to impose upon this woman, considering she saved our lives.

Morrigan explained how the battle unfolded. After the signal went up, Loghain's army failed to respond, leaving the rest of the army behind to it's grisly fate. And it is a grisly one. The Darkspawn are dragging any survivors they capture underground, for what purposes I do not know.

Speaking of Morrigan's mother, she calls herself Flemeth, from the legends. It seems she is indeed the Witch of the Wilds. Normally I would be astonished that that particular bit of family legend proved true, but so many things have happened that it's just numb to me. Her conduct thought all this, thought it has been to our benefit, is very concerning. She clearly knows a lot more than she is letting on, and I sense a woman who has not yet put all her cards on the table. Their is a greater game afoot but we have no choice but to bide our time and be content with our status as pawns. I believe her when she says she is aligned with us against the Blight. All other Wardens are dead and we cannot assume Loghain will allow them to reinforce us. We need all the allies we can get. Alistair believes we can trust Arl Eamon can be trusted. My father always spoke of him as an honorable man. But than again so was the Teyrn. Most think of him as a traitor, Alistair certainly does, but I cannot believe the Hero of the River Deyne would do something like this, though I can being to unwrap some motives for him doing so. Still he could have perceived us as a lost cause, and desired to save his men. We'll know more once we get out of the wilds.

Praise the Maker that we recovered those treaties, they will really come in handy, now that our task is to assemble an entire new army.

This "army" consists of just Me, Alistair, and this girl Morrigan. She will help lead us out of the Wilds, her Magic can shield us from the Darkspawn. She wasn't particularly enthused, in fact she was like a bride sent to marry a far away prince. Alistair is suspicious of her, but I am mostly convinced she is what she says she is, namely and apostate and daughter of Flemeth, or at least she thinks she is telling the truth. I am good a reading people. Plus we need all the help we can get. Our destination is Lothering.

But we are not going their immediately. We found a dead Missionary, Jogby. He had a note from his father, Rigby directing him to his camp. We cannot leave that man int he Wilds with all those Darkspawn. Morrigan says this is madness, and she is right. Alistair suspects I have other more personal motives, and he is also right. I cannot be the last one. And as long as we are not to close to being detected by the horde, which I trust Morrigan's judgement on, than I intend to rescue these missionaries, and any other survivors I encounter along the way. The Wilds are Cold, Damp, miserable, and crawling with things that want to kill me. I do not enjoy staying the night here. But at the very least the fire is warm.

Note: Yes I'm changing things from the game, their you only get one soldier, but I always figured it would take more than one person to operate a ballista. It's pretty silly to demand that much realism out of a franchise that includes Dragons, Demons, and constant appearance and gameplay retcons, but I digress.


	15. The Road to Lothering

We are nearing the edge of the wilds. After we bedded down the night before last, that was when I last wrote, I awoke in the middle of the night to sounds of fighting and the sight of flame burning. Their was not time to get into my armor, I only just managed to put on my shirt and some trousers.

By the time I got their the fighting was done and Alistair was screaming at Morrigan. I eventually got the whole story out of them. A few months before, Morrigan had recovered some ashes. She had heard an ancient legend that if you sprinkled the ashes of the dead in just the right spot, the spirit Gazerath would appear and grant you a wish. This had something to do with a story about two lovers that ended when one cut the other's throat to appease her spirt friend.

Said spirit friend turned out the be a shade. It would probably have killed Morrigan had Alistair not intervened, something even she admitted. Alistair was breathing fire. Morrigan could have gotten herself and all of us killed. She hadn't bothered to notify anyone of where she was going or what she was going to to, and if she had died, the spell would have gone down and the Darkspawn probably would have cut us to pieces. Alistair said we should kick her out as soon as we reached Lothering. I thought about doing just that, but Flemeth was right, we needed all the help we could get. Still, Morrigan had acted recklessly and endangered us all.

I explained to her how important our mission was. How even she would die, how the wouldn't be a world left to explore if we lost. I then told her that once we were out of the forest that she was free to stay or leave. We needed her magic, but we could not afford to keep anyone with a halfhearted commitment. Morrigan simply nodded.

We found an abandoned camp, it still had a fire blazing. We thought Rigby might have been their. Instead we found a squad of Darkspawn. They hadn't sensed us ahead of time, but we'd walked right into an ambush they had presumably planed for some other fool. Or at least that's what Alistair would latter tell me.

They were all over us. Morrigan was nowhere to be found. Me and Alistair fought them off for as long as we could, but it looked like we were about to be overwhelmed. Then a giant spider fell upon the Darkspawn, spitting poison and clawing Hurlocks to peaces. When the battle was done it transformed in a flash of light, back into Morrigan. She said she'd be staying with us until the task was done.

We found Rigby the next day, dead. A note on his body led us to a sealed lockbox that he wished to be delivered to his wife.

We had to move on. I try to tell myself that. But the truth is I am giving my brother up for dead. Nobody could be entirely okay with a thing like that. Even if it is necessary.

Alistair and I finally got to talking about what happened. He apologized for letting his grief over Duncan get the better of him. Poor man. Duncan had no other family, except the Wardens. We commiserated yet again over our shared sorrows. It's good to have a shoulder to cry on. Duncan was from Higover. If we ever finish this fight me and Alistair will go they together.

Note: This is probably not the first, and certainly not the last time Morrigan has gotten into trouble playing with forces she thinks she doesn't understand but thinks she knows everything about. People who played Inquisition will understand.


	16. Lothering

Griffon is alive! We found him a few leagues from the town. He's such a smart boy, he helped us avert and ambush by a squad of Darkspawn. We killed all of them of course. Quite honestly encounters with individual Darkspawn units no longer seem all that notable to me.

A group of highway men tried to shake us down just outside of town. Parasites, preying not he weak and helpless, at a time like this. They deserved to die, but I let them run, after taking all their ill gotten gains, and asking them some questions. They attacked us because Teyrn Logain has put a bounty on our heads. It seems he has told the realm that the Grey Wardens betrayed the King, led him into a trap, and got both themselves and Cailin killed.

This was further confirmed when we came upon some of his men in Dane's refuge.. They tried to kill us. We fought them off along with the help of a surprisingly skilled chantry sister. I got hit up pretty bad. I guess I just get to bold and charge ahead of the others. Their commander survived. The man would have killed us and a Chantry sister and he won. But I showed mercy. Whatever else he might be he is a soldier of Ferelden, and I am not so far gone as to kill one in cold blood, yet. Plus I needed them to send a message. They are to tell Logain that the Grey Wardens know what really happened at Ostagar. That ought to keep the bastard up at night. I can understand strategic withdrawls, but blaming it on the one force that can stop the Blight. Ether he is a madman or a traitor, probably a little of both. Regardless he must be stooped.

The Chantry sister, her name is Leliana, said the Maker told her to join us in a dream. I doubt her, but we cannot turn away help. For a Chantry sister she handles herself well in a fight.

The town is in shambles. Overrun with refugees. Some of the merchants were trying to price gouge. My father was a great friend to the guilds and traders of Highover, but profiteering off the misery of fellow Fereldens in a time of crisis, is enough to bring out my inner Red Jenny. In the end I just helped one of the local priests badger them into lowering their prices. For everyone except us of course. That's what you get for being a hero.

We took care of some tasks around the town, collected herbs, slew some bandits, calmed down a panicked Chaisined refugee. I am a Grey Wardens and I have a duty to do the utmost to stabilize the situation, especially when these people have been abandoned by their lord. Still, this place will not hold long, everyone is preparing to evacuate.

Morrigan and Alistair keep squabbling. Frankly it's beneath the both of them, especially Alistair. I think their both on edge and working it off on each other.

We added another new soldier to our army, a Qunari named Sten. Some say his people are beasts. I don't, his people are thinking people like any other, but his actions certainly give off that impression. He murdered an entire family of eight. Including children. He seems remorseful, he turned himself in and gladly accepted his punishment of being exposed in a cage. His crime reminded me of what Howe did to my family. If I had had it my way I would have put him out of his misery, but the others ether though we'd have a use for him or else that he could atone. He's proved a skilled warrior so far. Still, I'll keep my eye on this "Sten."


	17. The Open Road

Their was an incident along the road. A bunch of refugees starving had heard that we were Grey Wardens and decided that the bounty on our heads could feed their families. We prevailed of course. Dam fate, dam the Blight, and dam Teyrn Logain for brining us to this.

Leliana said a few prayers for the dead. Morrigan bluntly told me that those men knew what they were getting into and that I should not feel bad about defending myself. She's right, but I can't help but feel like a butcher.

On a more heroic note we rescued two Dwarven merchants from a group of Darkspawn. Their following us now, apparently the safest place to ride out a blight is on a Grey Warden's coattails. Who knew? The Merchant's name is Bodan, and the real interesting one is his son, Sandal. The poor lad's simple, but he has the skills of a master enchanter. They'll serve us well, though Bodan has an annoying predilection towards charging me money for the use of his wares.

We are headed down to Redcliffe, since the Arl is the man both Alistair and I know the best. Back in Loathering, we chanced upon one of Redcliffe's knights, a man by the name of Donall. Arl Eamon has fallen gravely ill, awfully convenient for Logain. Issolde's lost her dam mind and sent the knights on a mad quest to find the Urn of Sacred Ashes. I can sympathize with her plight, but the reality is that if the Urn of Sacred Ashes is what is required to heal her husband, than he is a dead man. She should ether send her knights out to confront Logain or keep them home to protect her lands and her son. Scatering them to the wind in a vain quest does nothing for anybody, least of all the Arl.

The first night away from Lothering, I had terrible dreams. I saw the Archdemon, in the Deep roads I think. Their was an army of Darkspawn gathered in what? Celebrating? Worship? It called to me, almost like it wanted me to join the party. Alistair saw me thrashing in my sleep and woke me up. He explained that us Grey Wardens can hear the Dkarpsawn. In our dreams. When the Archdemon talks to the horde he talks to us. That's how Duncan knew their was a blight.

I've been talking to everyone in my little army, trying to gage they mettle as it were. Alistiar's the one I know best, and the only one I really trust at present.

Sten has acquitted himself well in those last few clashes. He is surprised that I am a woman. It is something to do with Quari culture. Roles are very strictly defined their. Ether you are a woman or you are a Grey Warden you cannot be both. He regards it as physically impossible. He seems mildly perturbed by my existences contradiction of his dogma. For some reason I decided to care enough about what this murderer thinks of me to give him one of my sugar cubes. That seemed to make him a bit less grumpy. Maker how I love those things.

Morrigan I take pity on, though that's probably the worse insult I can do her. Flemth used her as Templar bait when she was a kid. In the Wilds that counts as fun and games. We compared notes on Flemeth's legend, since it pertains to my family's origins. Apparently Olsen and Flemth were married first, Flemth came to Conobar on her own volition, Conobar broke their agreement and slew her husband, and Flemeth never led an army in any invasion. She is still an abomination though, her own daughter does not believe her to be fully human.

Leliana and I talked more about her vision. It sounds pretty vivid. She defiantly has a past. Bardic training it looks like. Also her accent is Orlesian. She admits to being a "traveling minstrel", otherwise known as a bard. I doubt she's still in the service. But if she is still loyal to the Empress I will be more than happy to have her help. I love my country, but it is doing a good job of embarrassing me. I don't know of anyone who was stupid enough to start a civl war in the middle of a Blight.


	18. Redcliffe

The Darkspawn tried to ambush us on the road to Redcliffe. Probably some sort of recognizance party, sent to track us. That or they came from some unknown breach in the deep roads. Regardless I do not believe the main horde has even reached Loathering yet. Sten is part of the Qunari version of such things, a scout for the Qunari army, the Antam. He didn't tell me why he was dispatched but I suspect it was ether preparatory work for another invasion, or else an observation of the Blight. I do not haver the luxury of inquiring further.

Unlike Sten, Alistair finally told me his secret. He is the bastard son of King Maric. That's why they kept him from the battle. That's why Arl Eamon raised. And that's probably why the Chantry was so reluctant to give him up. He doesn't like to talk about it. In fact I'm the first soul he's ever told. I try not to think of him any differently, but this man is the last surviving member of House Therin! Still the Landsmeet decides who is King, even if they do consider blood claims.

The situation at Redcliffe is grave. Somehow even worse than I expected. The Castle is completely cut off from the village. Nobody has heard from it in days. It is assumed to be overrun with walking corpses. Every night they come out of the castle and attack Redcliffe Village.

The Militia has taken heavy losses and Eamon's brother Bann Tegan is the only thing holding the situation together. He seems to me to hold the attitude of a gallant knight, rather than the acting lord of one of the realms most important Arldoms. For example, when I asked if he had a family, for the purposes of figuring out succession to Redcliffe along with alliance possibilities, and he thought I was flirting. At a time like this!

Mind you the man is quite handsome. And quite heroic, he's stationed himself in the church at sir Perth's request in order to defend those villagers unable to fight. It is a brave thing to do what must be done even if it gains you no glory. But these points are irrelevant. I suppose his lack of political insight is a good thing. A man thinking as a lord, as opposed to a soldier holding together a situation, might have come to terms with Logain in exchange for reinforcements. The thought would never occur to an honorable man like Tegan. So what does that make me?

As I mentioned they have the local militia, along with a few Knights. Those who weren't stationed in the castle, or lost on the quest for the Urn, or killed by the undead. That doesn't add up to much. We did learn why Isolde believed that now after all these centuries the Urn could be found. The Arl once employed a scholar by the name of Brother Genativi who believed the Urn could be found in Ferelden. It was always a pretty common theory, Ferelden is Andraste's homeland

The Knights wanted the Revered Mother to give them some sort of charm to ward off evil. Of course their was no such thing, Revered Mother Hannah said the men would have to rely on their faith alone. I managed to convince them that she wouldn't be lying to them, as the men's faith in the "magic trinket", would make them fight better. She decided that my excuse was good enough.

In fairness Sir Perth did seem quite pious. May the Maker watch over them all. I prayed already, but what's the harm in asking for more help?

I fount Rigby's wife Jetta in the church and gave her the box. That helpless look on her face, the minute she knew her husband and son had both died, that her world had ended, it's light gone out, in those eyes I saw my brother.

A young girl named Kaitlyn asked me to find her brother for her. The poor girl's mother was dragged off by the walking corpses and her brother ran off saying he was going to save his mother. Just imagine, being asleep in your bed and then some vile curs attack your home and destroy everything you know and love. How familiar.

The Mayor, who recent events have forced to moonlight as a militia captain, had several problems he wanted me to aid him with. Of course he couldn't do this without commenting about my being a member of the fairer sex. Somedays I feel like Aveline of Orlais died for nothing.

Their armor was in a truly dreadful state and desperately needed repair. Of course the only man who could do those repairs locked himself in his house drunk. It wasn't like he didn't have his reasons. His daughter was a made in the service of Arlessa Isolde and he doesn't know if she's alive or dead. I told him I would bring her back if only he would get back to work. I'll try, but I doubt she's still alive. Morrigan of course snarked about the whole thing. She tries so hard to appear mature but these antics reveal her to be all the more a child. Contrarianism for contrarianism's sake will get her nowhere. If the most "realistic" path was the darkest, the Darkspawn would have won long ago.

Their was this Dwarf named Dwin who had holed up with a bunch of mercenaries. The prick was perfectly fine letting everyone else die without bothering to do a thing. Those sort of people confound me. I could never live with myself after doing a thing like that. I fought hard at Ostagar, I fought hard to save my family. And yet I find I still cannot shake the sense that I could have done more. Even worse, when I offered him a personal reward, I thought I implied pretty well it was special trade arrangements with Highover after I retook the Teyrnier, he thought I was offering to sleep with him. Maker's breath. Have those dam stories gotten that far? Though in the end the threat of decapitation was enough to dragoon the dwarf into Murdoch's service.

The actual small boy I had to deal with just a bit later was far braver. He was planning on retrieving his grandfather's sword, the man had been a great Dragon Slayer. The lad was around ten. So obviously he couldn't lift the thing. I persuaded him to let us have it in exchange for giving his sister some money. If they survive they'll be in a position to rebuild their lives, or at least a better one than they were before, penniless orphans and all.

The story about his grandfather is quite curious as I had never expected the family of a dragon slayer to live in a place like Redcliffe village. I later asked Alistair if the Arl was protecting any other people's famous bastards. He didn't seem to think that was very funny. Sten and Morrigan both agreed the blade was of Dalish make. Very curious. Assuming we aren't torn apart alive by corpses this could make for an interesting story.

Another interesting story is the one Leliana was able to sniff out at the tavern. It seems Arl Howe, who is Teyrn Logain's creature, dispatched a spy to Redcliffe. All he had time to report was that the Arl was ill, and then events overtook things. Combine this with some rumors I heard about the Arlessa, and I very much doubt the Arl's illness was natural.

Morrigan found some barrels of lamp oil and the Bann has agreed to my suggestion that we set it up as a trap near the windmill. Now all we can do is wait until nightfall.

If only a scant few months ago you had told me I would be going up against walking corpses, I would have called you mad. Now I await the coming assault as if I was fighting Orlesians.

Me and Alistair spent the last hours of daylight talking. Mostly about old ghosts, like Duncan and my family. Alistair has always been my confidant amongst the party, we are after all the last Grey Wardens in Ferelden. His childhood was absolutely horrid. And yet he still loves this place. I've got to say, though he may play the fool, I can see in those eyes, ten times more of the strength and valor the tales ascribed to the Therin's than Caylin ever had, or at least he ever showed to me.

Alistair told me that the Arl always made it clear to him that he was not destined for the throne. And yet that very same healthy respect for power might make him a great King. I remember the tale of Ardal Cousland, who loathed King Valenderin for stealing his betrothed, and yet gave his life in defense of the King at the Battle of Loathering. Not because he had discovered any newfound affection for the man, but because he was the monarch and it was his duty. I on the other hand have no need for additional motivation. Whatever else he may be Alistair is my friend and I would gladly die for him.

I told him as much, I think that made things awkward. We eventually settled on a bet over who could kill the most corpses. We'll see in a bit.


	19. Dawn Breaks

Dawn breaks and we all live. The trap worked to perfection, though it was very disconcerting to fight the ones that kept going whilst on fire. They also attempted a push across the lake but we held firm.

We held a ceremony for those killed during the previous days of fighting. Kaitlyn told us her Grandfather had fought alongside King Maric during the war and subsequently worked to clear Dragons from the Hinterlands after their reemergence. He was granted land in Redcliffe in return for his service, but lost most of his money after being taken advantage of by false friends. She insisted I have the sword. I told her that once I came into money I'd help them out. One more reason to win this war I suppose.

Bann Teagan met us at the Mill and informed us that their was a secret passage in the Mill, something only the Gurrien family and their most trusted associates were pricey too. He feared if he told us of the passage we'd have rushed in and abandoned the village. I understand his reluctance but their is obviously some greater evil in the castle, and ending it could have ended the threat.

He had just finished his explanation when Isolde came running to us. She claims the cause of the walking corpses is a Mage. He poisoned Eamon, doing so under the orders of Tyern Logain. And to think I used to think that scoundrel a hero. Connor and the Arl are still alive, but Eamon is being kept alive by something the mage unleashed. Only the Gurrien family is allowed to live, it is killing the castle soldiers and servants and turning them into walking corpses. It sounds like this "evil" is a demon.

Isolde claims the demon wanted Teagan to follow her back to the castle, alone. She claims only he can convince Conner to flee, or help him in some way. Apparently the demon really cares for the boy, very suspicious.

Teagan agreed to return with Isolde, while me, Alistair, Leliana and Morrigan infiltrate the castle. Once inside we will open the gate for Ser Perth and his Knights, as well as Sten and Griffon. Eamon is the priority but I promised Alistair I'd save them all. And I intend to keep that promise. Can't say I'm thrilled to fight in another overrun castle. Brings up to many bad memories.


	20. The Saviors of Redcliffe?

Note dated 9:39 Dragon: I pulled these together based on scraps and blurbs of notes. Didn't exactly have time to write a full recollection between running to the tower, fighting Uldred's abominations and racing back to Redcliffe.

Fighting corpses in a dungeon. I used to play that with Fergus when I was a girl. Of course their wasn't the smell, the gnashing teeth, the flatling spindly arms, and the stopped dead eyes of what once had been a living breathing child of the maker

We met the Mage responsible for this horror, this Jowan. The poor fellow looked like hell. He confirmed that he poisoned the Arl,under the instruction of Teyrn Logain. In exchange Logain would pardon his sentence of death for Blood Magic. He like so many thought he was doing the patriotic thing by following the Hero of the River Dayne. Makers balls how this man has corrupted us.

Jowan was not responsible for the creatures in the castle though. He couldn't reverse it even under torture, Isolde had tried her hand at that. He had been brought in to tutor Conner to hide his talent. For you see the Arl's quiet child is a Mage. The Arlessa did not want him taken away and told nobody of this, not even the Arl. He would have done the right thing and turned him into the Circle. That infuriated Isolde. My parents would have tired to do right by me not matter what, though I suspect their definition would have meant turning me in and maintaining contact. Still, I cannot help but sympathize with Isolde, even if I abhor her conduct. Were my child a mage, I would have done the same thing. I am not sure if that is weakness or strength.

Morrigan must have felt a strange sort of kinsmen with Jowan, a fellow apostate and all that. She prefers to slay him than imprison him. This is something of a theme with her. Alistair of course wasn't thrilled with the idea of releasing a blood Mage, but Leliana was adamant that even he deserved redemption. Given that I have collaborated with child killers, I see no reason why blood Magic would be any less forgivable a crime and I judged him earnest. So I let the man out.

The demon sent Shades against us on the upper floor. In the Chantry of all places. Alistair said it was sacrilegious. They were a lot like that demon we fought in the wilds. And like that time Morrigan and Alistair both fought well. Leliana coated her daggers with poison. I will ask her to show me how to do that one day.

We found Valena and convinced her to run for safety. Apart for her and the Arl's person and family I don't think their were any other survivors in the castle. Event he Mabari were possessed and believe me I took no pleasure in killing those poor, very lethal, creatures. Screw what the Chantry says, Mabari can rest by the Maker's side. Andraste was a Ferelden after all.

We secured the gate and opened it for Sir Perth and his men and then made our way into the Great Hall. It was their I saw the most horrifying thing of all.

Teagan tumbled for his nephew like a dancing puppet. Isolde stood by his side looking so low. Connor was in front of the burning brazier. The boy in a deep menacing voice he said "so these are our visitors the ones you told me about mother." He complained that I had killed "his" soldiers, prevented him from retaking "his" village.

He wasn't much kinder to his poor mother, telling her that I was "twice as young and pretty." And feigning surprise that she hadn't ordered me executed in a fit of jealousy. Beneath all the demony menace their was still a small boy. Connor himself was still in their, occasionally coming to. To be a child, trapped and forced to watch yourself do these things. Maker. He sold his soul to keep his father alive, the poor naive little boy never expected this. No matter what the demon said it was not a fair trade.

The demon itself behaved like a spoiled brat. Apparently the purpose of ruling is to "send out armies to conquer the world", and boasting about how nobody could tell him what to do. The demon viewed this whole thing as some kind of twisted fun. After he sicked his possessed guards on us the demon ran off like a coward. Though that was for the best, I could never live with myself if I had to hurt a child.

I tried to avoid hurting the Knights too, but my companions and I had to defend ourselves. Teagan was the only one to survive, defeating him somehow gave him back control of his own mind. Mayhaps the demon's control grows overtime, so it had a weaker hold over the Bann than men who had been in the castle since the crisis began.

The Castle is secure but their is one last victim of this demon that needs to be saved, Connor himself. He's locked himself on the upper floor. Isolde will not allow her boy to be harmed and I just can't kill that boy, even if it would be a mercy, even if it's weakness. I'll always remember what they did to Oren.

Jowan offered to help, much to Isolde's chagrin. The demon is not physically in Connor. It approached him in the fade whilst he slept. To have to be constantly on guard like that, I never knew Mages had it so hard. Poor Adelous. It is possible to enter the fade and kill the demon.

But doing so requires a lot of power. There are two sources of power. Lyrium or blood.

Jowan says that he would need somebody's life-force. All of it. Isolde volunteered. Not only is blood magic forbidden, but it is also dangerous. Indeed Jowan seems like the shaky sort not the type I'd trust to do it right, even if I was interested in such blasphemy. Plus I do not look forward to telling the Arl that I stabbed his wife. Especially when there is another way.

The other option,the Circle, is a day's journey across the lake, and Bann Tegan knows a man with fast horses who can get us there quickly. And we do need the Circle's help with the Blight regardless. There is a risk to leaving Conner unsupervised, and the Circle may not even agree to do it. But given the alternatives I see no other option. I've left Sten and Morrigan behind, in spite of what they may claim neither of them would find the task enviable, but if Conner decides to possess another horde of walking corpses, they know what to do. Maker have mercy on them.


	21. We're on a boat

Author's note Sorry about yet another long delay. I was at college and unable to access my Xbox. I've switched to playing on PC so hopefully you should expect updates on a more routine basis.

Lake Calenhad was calm. Me and my companions to get a rest after the ride from Redcliffe. But I couldn't sleep. It wasn't the nightmares, not this time anyway, I was just so damned hungry. It's been this way ever since the joining, but I've usually had something else to focus on. Maybe the boat had something to do with me losing focus. When we visited mother's family I was always scared to get on a boat. She'd give me cookies to lure me onboard. I guess me and Griffon share yet another thing in common. I got up and went to the back of the boat to try to rummage up some snacks. Alistair was their. For him it was the nightmares.

I asked if their were any other side effects to the joining. He gestured to the stack of biscuits on my plate. We laughed. On a less savory note he told me of how we Wardens end our service. Such horrors will not be repeated here, but I am glad I learned of it now. Alistair didn't join long before me. Maybe we will face the end together. I can think of no other person to climb down into those dark depths with.

We got to talking about the afterlife and of course that brought up the Chantry and Alistair's terrible childhood. He complains so much about the Templars that I had to ask why he stayed. He said for the tailoring, parrying with humor as always. The only thing he really enjoyed was the training itself, for the education and discipline it provided him. People may call Alistair dumb, he may call himself dumb, but it takes great fortitude to master the skills of a Templar and if people had told him of that more often mayhaps would not be in charge.

We headed up onto the deck. The tower was visible in the distance, towering over the calm waters. "You know I never felt at home their", Alistair said. He then asked where I felt at home. I told him the truth. The only place in this world I feel at home is with the Grey Wardens, and with him. You know one of those magical moments, where you feel like there's some force between you, pulling you in towards another? I felt that as I looked into his blue eyes. We might have held hands, perhaps something more, but thankfully Griffon burst onto the deck barking and slobbering as always, Leliana following close behind demanding he calm down. Apparently he smelled food and wanted some. This outcome was probably for the best. After what I have heard. Well let's just say most people would think Wardens have no need or time for such things.

My little mutt woke the entire crew up. So after that we had no respite. I should have probably tried to have taken a longer rest, given what happened when we reached Klinoch's hold.


	22. The Battle of Klinoch's Hold Part 1

Author's note: It is always perilous to use fictional peoples as metaphors for oppressed groups throughout history. This is especially the case when the oppressed group is in possession of special powers that can make fear of them justified. What I'm getting at is that when I played Dragon Age Origins for the first time I viewed the circles as oppressive but did not know how bad it was until I played the Circle Mage Origin, let alone seeing the horror that was the Kirkwall Circle. Thus I made the character of Elissa blind to many of the nuances of circle life and ignorant of various aspects of the lore. For instance she thinks blood magic is 100 percent evil and that anyone who uses it is possessed and has to be killed. Needless to say this was before I played Dragon Age 2 and met Merrill.

...

I became suspicious when the guard at the dock gave us trouble, but I truly knew something was wrong as soon as the tower doors opened. The way the Knights scrambled around, the screaming, the wounded in the corner, it reminded me too much of that night. Why must the maker be punishing me by having me relive that terrible night over and over again?

The templars were scrambling about in a frenzy. Wounded mages and templars were propped up on the floor. I could hear the shouts of battle.

Knight Commander Gregor informed me that the Templars had lost control of the tower to a horde of abominations. The Templars assumed that most of the mages were already dead

Therefore they had sent word to the Grand Cleric in Denerim requesting reinforcements and the right of annulment.

Alistair must have remembered his old Templar training. I could see him freeze when he heard those words. I know what it is but he must have drilled for it. I touched his hand to steady him. I think that helped.

The terrible message was sent a while ago. They believe she has already received it.

Given our dire need for aid and the horrific fate awaiting the mages. I felt not choice but to try to resolve the crisis myself. I knew there were children in the Circle. They, and Conner needed our help. Many would say this plan was audacious,even suicidal, but doing nothing was worse. It would have cost us two of our four treaties, rendering our efforts against the Darkspawn fruitless. Compared to all those lives, ours were frankly insignificant, especially mine.

Gregor said he'd open the gates for us but after that they would remain bared. He would only believe it was over if the First Enchanter stood before him and said it was so.

We stocked up on supplies then joined Leliana for a prayer. Even Griffon bowed his head. I could tell that the Templars thought we were going off to die, for they prayed with us and saluted us as if we were Andraste herself being sent off to be burned at the stake.

I knew better. We had survived so much already that the idea of perishing at this point seemed unthinkable. No, I thought, the maker had a greater plan for us just like Leliana said. After she said the last bit of the prayer I clasped my companions across the back and told them. "We've got this."

Griffon got a pat on the head. I even gave him a lamb bone. Not that my valiant little boy needed any prompting to fight by my side.

Then we stepped across the threshold into the void.

The very space felt oppressive, which I suppose was the point. Tight corridors confined you while the high ceiling above reminded the mages of their smallness compared to the power of the chantry, or at least that's how my frightened mind imagined it. The bunks were lined up in rows with a chest at the front for what few personal items the mages were allowed. Apart from a table for gaming thier didn't seem to be any form of entertainment. Their were no windows.

The mages had died where they had lived, their bodies were strewn about the floor. I assumed their deaths had been just as miserable as their lives.

I would truly hate to be a mage. The maker is cruel to curse these people so.

The first living being we found were an old lady and some of the other mages who were defending the children. The senior mage had finished setting up a barrier and driving away a Rage Demon when she saw us. I as I got closer I recognized her as Wyne, a high ranking mage I had met at Ostagar

Things were tense at first. She believed we were sent by the Templars to enact the right of annulment, but the situation de-escalated when I told them that the Templars had yet to receive word from Denerim.

Wynne explained the cause of the outbreak. There was a revolt by a pro Logain mage named Uldred who tried to take over the circle. Logain seems to be heavily reliant on rogue mages, though his, or rather his catspaw's pitch was offering them more freedom in exchange for their aid. Given what my father told me about Logain's obsession with order I doubt he would let them keep those freedoms for long. Magic is chaos, and some people just don't like chaos.

Wynne came with us to find the first enchanter and I left Griffon behind to assist her companions in defending the children. They seemed to like him.

It was very impressive that a woman as old as her could erect such a barrier, at least as far as I am qualified to judge such things.

Demons are unnatural. You feel a certain wrongness when fighting them. And some of them spit fire too. It burns. They don't call them flaming mad for nothing. Not that we didn't have ticks of our own. Leliana's bombs proved especially useful. By the time we cleared the first floor Alistair was bleeding and Wynne and Leliana had injured their heads. And I didn't feel too fine ether. We found an injury kit and gave it to Wynne, despite her protestations. She heals us and so we should heal her. Plus one of the other mages said she'd been hit earlier.

As we moved up to the second level I espied a dark figure looming in the corner. In a fit of panic I drew my sword only to discover that it was one of the tranquil, Owain. He spoke in a flat monotone with no hint of fear or any other emotion. He still tried to keep it clean, as he decided to return to work once all avenues of escape were cut off. I would not risk his fate on anyone.

He spoke of a Mage called Nail who had the Litany of Adralla. Apparently it protects from blood magic, specifically mind domination. We found a way to solve the crisis but also another source of peril.

Sure enough encountered a group of blood mages and fought them. They used the same life drain ability as Morrigan. None were allowed to leave alive. I don't think demons are the only thing that can turn us into monsters.

Clearing rooms is its own kind of scary. Your tempted not to open the door but at the same time you know that enemies might come at you from the flank if you move on without clearing each room. I had Leliana go in first, since she had the bombs. I felt like such a coward. That settles it I'll learn how to use the dam things. It can't be too hard.

We found more blood mages. They were dispatched the same as the last group, though one had the good grace to turn into an abomination just to make my day even more difficult. Another froze me in Ice, which was not fun. Thank the maker for Alistair or I would have been killed where I stood.

The statues on all the floors gave me the creeps. Something about the Tevinter art style. I heard the magistrates sometimes turned their enemies to stone. I wondered if one of those blood mages would do that to me, before Wyne assured me that would not happen. I'm not sure if she meant she would not allow it to happen or if it was impossible. Neither was very reassuring.

Author's note: "Canonically this whole and the next chapter are one entry. However I felt the entry was getting to long and so I'm splitting it.


	23. The Battle of Klinoch's Hold Part 2

We climbed up the steps to the third floor and entered the great hall. Tevinter statues towering over us like guards. Tevinter's prison had become ours.

The common room was littered with corpses. I said a prayer and we were about to move on when they sprung to life and attacked us. We dealt with it and a second round came. The whole thing could have been worse. Wynne realized that there was a demon behind this and it was probably close by, and capable of doing a lot of damage on it's own. Alistair lured the corpses near to himself, assisted by Leliana. I went for the demon, who was on the other side of the door. Combine initiative with healing spells and you have a recipe for victory.

In the next engagement we fought demons of all types. The only injury was my pride, after I got stuck in a trap, in the doorway to the room where they were hiding out. Seeing as we had a bard with us this was a subject of considerable annoyance on my part, something that I conveyed to Leliana in language that was absolutely not a horor upon the Maker. She told me she was rusty. I told her to practice.

We came to a hallway with three doors on the flanks. Alistair swore. The remnants of the templar garrison had fallen victim to their own longings, The first groups we dispatched with ease. When it came to the final group though things were more difficult.

I knew there was something on the other side of the door and was planning on having Wyne pin the enemy down with her earthquake spell and Leliana shoot them full of arrows. That did not go according to plan. The templars were to close and thus didn't feel the effect of the spell. The armored hulks charge dout of the doorway and surrounded me and Alistair, Wynne being chased off by another contingent with Leliana following.

We fought tooth and nail with them, Alistair and I. We were worn down and cut up, all the while their leader, a topless purple demon of with horns on her head mocked Alistair and Leliana, who had returned to aid us after dispatching half the knights chasing Wyne, and called me words I will not repeat. She also shot spells at us, powerful spells. I remember darkness and thinking, "so this is what it is like to die." I lay there waiting for the end for a couple of minutes, then I felt a sudden surge of energy.

Wyne had evaded her pursuers, running dodging and hiding until she mustered enough Mana to slay her tormentors. She took care of the demon while the rest of us slew the Templar. As Wynne was about to cast her last spell I cursed the creature to hell and told it I had had more actual sex than it. Very immature I know but what was a girl to do.

I know these men had fallen through no fault of their own but I cannot help but feel great anger towards the Chantry. Wynne had every reason to turn on them, she was strong enough to fight her way out of the tower, but she didn't. Meanwhile the Templars tasked with guarding them fell prey to the same demons that took the mages. I know a mage caused this, but if the Templars could be possessed as well, this almost makes it seem more like a human problem than a magic problem.

We were all beaten up, Alistair in particular had a gaping wound at his side, causing me great distress. Wynne told me it was fine and we all could be properly fixed up once we opened the gate. She emphasized that last part, we were going to win. I knew then that this indomitable old lady was as part of my army as Leliana and Alistair.

The center atrium is another hard fight. Leliana in particular was pretty badly injured.

Did I forget to mention their were growths all along the tower walls. The demons desecrated Andraste's statues and put up these idos. That's the only word I can use to describe them. Alistair claimed he'd seen the inside of a Darkspawn infested tunnel that looked similar. The blight came from the fade after all. Wynne spent a long time looking at the desecration. She seemed pale. "This this cannot continue. We have to stop it." She said that like a clenched blade.

I wanted to rest because of our injuries, but Alistair pointed to the stairs and said, the only way out is up. He was not wrong.

So battered and bruised we trudged our way up the stairs. The top of the fourth floor was much the same as the third, eary quiet, looming statues, dead templars and mages.

There were yet more rooms to search.

I heard a man asking his wife for dinner. Her voice was sultry. His had the naive sweetness of Alistair. I peeked through the doorway. It was just a templar standing there. With a desire demon floating next to him. Whispering sweet words about love and family. She even did impressions of the children. We ran in with swords drawn. I commanded her to stop what she was doing to him immediately.

She had him possesed. She claimed we were intruding upon their "love." I told her possessing someone does not mean they love you truly. She claimed her feeding off his innermost desires for love and family was a kindness. As if taking away someone's will could ever be kind. I told her she was draining him dry and if she didn't release him they'd both die. She had her pawn attack. He died believing he had failed to save his wife and children from bandits. In that world I was Arl Howe.

The other was a group of templars controlled by a blood mage. I'll tell you a neat trick if you ever get caught in such a situation, get the mage first. She's squishy and she can do a lot of damage. So dance around the guys in plate and slice up the boy or girl in the bathrobe.

The Templars were tough and we came out of that fight even more sliced up, but somehow still alive. We were all feeling so tired. And that was before the demon of sloth.

Note Dated 9:43 It is impossible to believe Elissa wrote in such detail about these violent events that occured in such closeness to one another. To expand upon my previous point it appears Elissa wrote down something about the events in question but years after the fact went back and added detail to some of the entries. We suspect the crown was planning to publish a book in the vein of Varic Tethris's "Tale of the Champion." Cousland is not one given to vanity, or at least not any more given than is average for nobles. Therefore we suspect that she originally intended to publish as some sort of promotion for herself and Ferelden while she was gone. Reminding the nobles of what she had done for the country, and what she could do to them if they stepped out of line while the cat's away.


	24. Elissa v Entropy

The Maze

Author's note: I'll be trying a new style just for this chapter, please tell me if you like it.

After I awoke I found this scribbled in my diary. Wynne says the writing isn't dangerous. She knows these things better than I.

The Stamina drains from it's weary home. Awake for too long. Your heart and so much else is broken. Sleep rest.

You awaken to slumber. Covered in snow. Wounds healed. Bright eyed and bushy tailed as they say. It's snowing.

Just like the winters when you were a girl. You clamber out of the embankments ecstatic. Yes this was all just a nightmare. "Mom, Dad, Fergus!" you yell with joy. But then you look up.

This castle is too big and grand to be Highover. And are those mountains? No. Your realize you are somewhere else. Clever girl.

You look to the sky. It's covered in grey. A beautiful full moon above. And then something soars above, swooping down low enough that you hold your helmet and duck.

 _Is that a griffon?_ You think. But you know those are extinct. But then you think of the little boy. Right then I think I made my biggest mistake.

You walk ahead and see a face you know to be on the other side. _Duncan?_ This you know to be impossible.

He tells you of your incredible victory. The triumph over the darkspawn, the death of the archdemon, the resurrection of the Griffons, the Grey Wardens retired from their duty to eternal glory. But that is not your fantasy is it. Odd, it worked on all the others of your kind. What a disloyal soldier. And yet you chose to fight on. If you want war and death you want you shall have it.

You hack down your comrades like it is just another battle. You know their dead and gone. And they were never truly the ones you cared about in your heart of hearts. Oh I know who those are.

You look for a way out and find only a pedestal. You look down and see the map or runes and throw your finger forward to the next world. A leap into the void. So you're one of those heroes. Lovely.

The world changes before you and you shift into a ruin in a bog.

I see you've met Niall, the savior of the Circle. You think he might have the answers. The wonderful thing about Niall is that he knows what problems he needs to solve and roughly how to solve them. And yet a strong will would have served him far better than his sharp mind. Sloth has set in and he knows he has no hope. But oh how he resisted. It's fun to have to work for your food.

You learn you are all trapped. Doomed to wander my maze for eternity, or until your bodies starve.

You know of the Litanny and why do you ask as if that will change anything. Just be like Niall and accept the rest I offer. Your looking for a way out. He tell you of the obstacles. And you are relieved. There is an objective to fight towards, a task to complete. No matter how impossible you know your path. Yeah you are one of those heroes.

On a hunch you try the floating gate of purple. The demon is one of rage, but that is nothing new to you. What is new is a mouse man. Poor little mousy. The one he got his power from gave him the same mission as yours.

You think of small things. Of stealth and the fear of being stomped on. You remember the oger. And you remember the Witch of the Wilds. I wonder what she will do to the boy Conner when word of your failure gets back? Will she make it gentle on him?

You feel yourself shrink. Your on the floor on all fours like an infant. The world seems even bigger. You see the gate. My catspaw doesn't put up much of a fight against a warrior of your caliber.

You head through another gate but now your lost. You meander through doors and portals. I would never have expected the wisp wraiths to give you so much trouble.

You think you've got it all figured out. Just keep pressing through the doors and eventually you'll find Yevena. What else can you do in the ever shifting world of the fade. But it only gets you back where you started. Your shape changes give foolish Niall hope. You like that. You are both so dull. You see doors you can't get through. It seems saving this world is beyond your capabilities. Not surprising.

You go to the portal and warp to another world. One with the feel of the taint. It was once one of your Grey Warden Castles. Now it lies in ruins. A monument to your order's failure. You vow you will not let such a thing happen in Ferelden. And you think of your Grey comrade dear Alistair. Isn't young love so sweet. Hush child you can lie to him but you can't lie in your dreams.

Look at what I give you. Sleep cures your wounds. And you learn so much when your mind takes time to process the lessons of the day. Why won't you accept my gifts?

Darkspawn are an old enemy but you've never faced them alone before. Like children holding each other for comfort. That's what you and Alistair are like. All the true Grey Wardens died at Ostagar. Now was that my thought or yours I can't remember?

You don't think much. Another corredor another darkspawn, another hole to crawl through, that last one makes you laugh. Would it have been better to give you a world with hundreds of virile men to serve your every whim. I still can if you let me. No? What a prude.

All the ways are blocked. By fire or massive doors. Niall tore his hair out over this but you simply think of it as math. Door + massive force+no door. Fire = fire.

Their must be some other forms you can assume to get through. And they must be in the other worlds. So off to the portal you go. You briefly consider what would happen if I left no way to get through. You decide that you might as well be doing something.

Into another realm of fire. The templar's don't bother you merely as much as they did on the outside. Did my fellows inoculate you of fear? I so do love a challenge.

Do you like the hounds I send? I made them just for you. You always did like to lie down by the fire with your precious Griffon. Cuddling up against him while he nuzzles you with his ridiculous snout. I wonder what Arl Howe would have done with your hellhound if he'd captured it. Maybe served it up to you as dinner, a wonderful image I've made you think about.

You crawl through a mousehole to find my Templar friend. Ah now that was a true warrior, It took me ages to wear him down, but I suspect you know that. Why if you hadn't just grabbed that lyrium vein in desperation you'd probably be dead. You thought of Wynne then and how she managed to survive and save you all. What an abominable creature you have aligned yourself with. Hypocrite.

Did the Templar not realize that death was not just another form of sleep? Don't weap for him child, he was beyond saving, as are you all. Even with your new form.

You enjoy that form don't you. Running through my mages nightmare slaughtering with your fireballs. Most mortals are afraid of flames. You are too. But in this form you are not Elissa Cousland. You imagine yourself as a fire creature not afraid of flame. And get so into the role that you start to have no fear of it yourself.

You've never fought a Golem before? How odd, I always thought Grey Wardens were close to the dwarves.

That mage had been so scared the Chantry would discover his secrets. But now I know them all, The only thing he has faith in is you.

I knew you'd love being a Golem. Not only that but you you imagine yourself to be the strongest of them, crushing puny humans like ants. And so as your mind wills the fade makes.

I laugh along with your rampage. This will be entertaining. Perhaps you will be tired by the maze, start to doubt, and then this nightmare will continue forever. But you don't. You keep going master your forms and you kill my associates. Now I worry. What's more I start to lose sight of you. The fade is becoming as much your world as mine.

For the first time in forever I am afraid. And it feels good.

From time to time I hear from you. When your lost and don't know where to go. When you for a minute think that "maybe I'll be stuck here forever." But I see how your form changes each time. How your willpower and strength grow. And I know these visits will be short lived.

I learn of what and where you are though the screams of my underlings, and lost servants.

I feel you gain another form. That of spirit, Light as a feather. It makes you feel calm, relaxed. I know I face doom. It may have been a mistake to take in so many at once. None of them were as strong as you. But each collected a piece of the puzzle and now their savior has all the pieces. Oh dear. And Now I lose charge of even this story. We will meet personally you and I to settle this. You have impressed me. No matter who wins or loses you really need a rest.

I know.

Ulthiki is quite the boxer. His blows knock me back on my heels even in Gollum form. I summon my strength and drive my fist into his face. Ha my third Ogre kill, take that Archdemon. A voice reminds me that it's only a fade Ogre. I resolve to count it anyways.

I return to the Templar's nightmare. With my new form I can now go through all the doors and end this. All on my own I can defeat Demon swarms that once would have troubled the entire party. It's enthralling. I begin to wonder if I might lose myself in these powers

Fighting feels like I'm floating in a dream. Like I have to hold onto myself. A trick I learn, think of something from your life that reminds you of your power and it will come to you. For example I summon ice spells by thinking of the snow me and Fergus used to play in.

The puzzles are solved and the demon's other minions fall quickly before me.

I find Alistair in a dream. With his sister and her children. He is so happy. I try to get him out without fighting. Goldana insisted though. I tell Alistair to think back to how he got here. He remembers. I hate ruining Alistair's happiness. The demon has the mercy to drop the disguise from the children. Or maybe I just imagine them as skeletons to make it easier. No. They were skeletons. Any doubt will be my downfall. It's good to have Alistair by my side again. I place a comforting hand on his shoulder and promise not to tell everyone how easily fooled he was. It's not his fault. Everyone has there fantasy, it's just that the demon was unable to guess mine.

Then just like that ripples appear and Alistair is carried away from me. I run to the portal. I can't feel doubt or weakness so I admit something else to myself instead, I love him. I will clear out the other islands, rescue my comrades, and find him. After that we'll have to see what the future holds.

The obstacles in the burning tower are no problem for me now. The rage demon seems like a mere nuisance on my path to the portal. He tells me his name. I don't care. I suppose forgetting him means he's really dead.

I find Wynne mourning over her fallen friends. I wonder if I've seen their bodies in the past hours of fighting. She's given up. I can't believe it. She's wallowing in grief not living a fantasy. I suppose she believed fighting was futile. I help her remember that her task is not done. I don't know what that task is though. She is free and then she leaves too. I have to press on. Ignore the worry. Ignore the distractions. I can't help them if I stay put. The enemy I face is stillness. If I look back I am lost.

Leliana is praying with a Revered Mother. She claims not to even know me. That hurts, oddly enough. She escapes through finding faith in her vision. The same thing happens. She at least remembers me now. And the task we have to accomplish.

It is time to confront sloth. But I still can't reach the center. That's when I remember the Spirit door, and Niall. I sitl cannot rouse him from entropy. And we have no time to waste. I transform into a spirit and pry open the door.

I quickly shift into my burning woman form and throw a fireball. Then I enlarge myself into a gollum. She freezes me and her goons hack at me and for a moment I fear death. But once the spell wears off we both know how this will end.

I don't attempt to rouse Nial. I merely tell him I'll be back. He nods sullenly. At last the portal to the central island is open.

You, Sloth, try to feign confidence. Call me a child, a slave. But I can read you as much as you can read me. I know you fear. My friends appear. Behind me. Yeah friends not comrades or soldiers or whatever. Their ready too.

You offer me happiness. I think of all I've lost and all I've gained. I tell you I'll make my own.

Your forms are tricky but I've faced them before.

Cursed mortal. Maybe a chill will freeze them all like your cold heart.

Alistair, Wynne, Leliana no.

Yes girl now it's just you and me.

You've just made a big mistake.


	25. Top of the Tower

I can't help but feel some suspicion towards the notes in my journal. Maybe the demon somehow stored a piece of his power in the writing. I shared minds with a demon, or their was some connection I don't know. Maybe he intended to use me as the next Niall.

Poor man. The demon had been feeding off him to sustain his nightmares. I took Niall for something of a coward. But now I realize he had little strength left to give. His faith in me gave me the last of it. I promised both him and myself that I would save his circle. That gave Niall peace in the end.

We took the Litany off Niall's body and moved on. Nobody said a word about what had happened inside the fade. They seemed weary of each other, as if we'd all seen one another naked. I reminded everyone that we were going to win and clasped their hands that did away with the awkwardness.

I thought the fade had prepared me for any enemy I might face in this tower of horrors. That was when the Dragonlings attacked. Dragonlings! Wyne said they'd brought some eggs to the Circle for research and they must have escaped in the chaos. Leliana said she wished we could have kept one as a pet. I dusted off my flame scared armor and told her she'd have to feed it. The point was taken. But Leliana demanded it be put on record that she wanted a pet of some kind.

Alistair walked up to me and whispered. "I remember." I dreaded that we'd done something in the fade that I'd forgotten about but apparently he was referring to his templar training. Something in there or the tower had awakened his abilities. It seems very traumatizing.

We fought through the abominations to find a Templar, Cullen, imprisoned in a field of magic. The apostates had been torturing him. He was delirious and starved of food and drink. He initially believed us to be blood mages. When he found out we weren't visions he demanded we kill them. He claimed he was thinking about risk, but it seemed he still had the deaths of his friends and his torture in his mind. Not that I blamed him. If you had asked me about anything in the day after Howe's slaughter I wouldn't have given you a coherent answer.

The top of the tower was a scene of horrors. Uldred had the mages bound and was torturing them with some sort of lightning until they accepted his "gift" of being possessed.

The air reeked of dried blood and strewn guts.

Uldred was a bald man with a creepy voice. He believed abominations were the end stage of a mage. Something glorious, He believed he was both Uldred and something more than Uldred. Irving and some of the others resisted possession, much to Uldred's great annoyance.

He offered his gift to me, which I naturally declined.

He turned into an enormous demon of pride. After me and Alistair killed his abominations he tried to make more and I had to use the litany to prevent that. It felt just like in the fade, a word of power coursed through my veins and wam, the void cursed spell faded. I asked Wyne if that was how magic felt and she laughed and said it was close enough.

When the demon was near death it seemed fixated on Wyne and tried to chase after her, making it all the more easy for us to nip at it's heels. For all his claims to be something more Uldred possessed the same old jealousy towards a mage who was objectively greater than him. In the end the demon fell, Alistair taking the kill this time. We helped the injured, including the first enchanter to their feet and headed towards the door.

Nobody said a word as we descended through the tower's corpse strewn depths. We were like men on their way to a hanging.

Gregor seemed genuinely surprised and relieved that Irving was still alive. Wynne later told me they are friends. I suppose next Griffon will come home with a nice Cat girlfriend.

Cullen had also made his way down and was begging the Knight Commander to enter the tower and initiate the right of annulment immediately, when we showed up. The Knight commander, naturally, brushed his demands aside. I hope Cullen finds peace and is able to realize the terrible things he might have made happen.

The First Enchanter agreed to join our fight against the blight and to follow us to Redcliffe to treat Conner. The other thing I asked from them was any books pertaining to the Witch of the Wild Flemeth, she knows more than she lets on and it might be of value.

Wynne was given leave to follow us. I accepted her help without a shadow of a doubt.

The First Enchanter and some of the other Mages will follow us to Redcliffe to help deal with Conner's situation. It seems my high risk gamble paid off, for now.

We rest in the tower before pressing on tomorrow. The mages were mostly focused on the critically injured but some of the Chantry sister's were kind enough to treat our bruns. While we were stripped down to our underclothes I gazed upon Alistair's chiseled muscles. I told him he looked handsome. He said I was beautiful We both laughed. I think an acknowledgement passed between us. He is such a sweet man.

Autor's note: Finally done with the Circle of Magi. Please review. When I first played Dragon Age I kept getting lost and wandering around hopelessly. I know this is one of the most hated levels in the game but I for one actually liked it. Their is no better way to convey the nature of the fade than to make a frustrating level where you die again and again and can't find your way around. Thanks Bioware ;)


	26. The Battle of Tam's Ridge

When we awoke Alistair told me about his sister Goldana and asked if we could visit her in Denerim. He hadn't seen her before and worries that he might not have another chance too. I told him we would have to go there eventually. I think we were both using that to avoid other topics.

During our trip down Lake Calenhad we were hailed by a boat from one of the coastal villages. A Darkspan raiding party had arisen from the deep roads and was threatening them. They requested our aid. Irwin said that Conner should be fine even if we took an extra day to get to him. Helping the people was the right thing to do. And as the acting commander of the Grey Wardens in Ferelden I felt I had to test my abilities to command larger forces.

I set the mages and Leliana up on a ridge overlooking the road and had Alistair and I take positions on the flanks. The enemy was so few I felt it unnecessary to involve the local militia, a motley collection of boys and old men even more ramshackle than the one in Redcliffe. In hindsight that might have been a mistake. Wyne knocked them down with her earthquake spell and the others poured arcane bolts and arrows into them while Alistair and I went for their flanks. None of us gut a scratch on us.

Unfortunately Irving was so exuberant in our victory that he fell off the ridge, reopening one of his wounds. We patched him back up with healing magic but I'm unsure if he should be the one going into the fade.

Alistair gave me a rose he picked in Loathering. He felt it wonderful that something so beautiful could exist in a place with so much despair and wanted to keep the darkspawn from destroying it. He's so sweet. I told him he should hold onto it until Conner is safe. I won't let Alistair loose anyone else he considers family.


	27. Morrigan Saves the Day

Connor is safe and sound and it's all thanks to Morrigan. Everyone said it was a bad idea but I knew Morrigan was trustworthy. Wynne and Irving were worn down and I wasn't about to let Jowan go anywhere near his former charge. Therefore Morrigan was the only option.

I sat her down and reminded her of the stakes. She snarked and called Connor an idiot who was beyond saving. I asked her why she didn't kill him while I was gone, as she and Sten were authorized to do. The point was made. Before she went in she gave me her word that she would bring Connor back safe and sound.

She says she saw Arl Eamon as well. Apparently the demon tried to play to any sane person's reluctance to hurt children. Naturally this did not work very well on Morrigan.

Connor is his old self again, or at least according to Bann Teagan, I'd never met the boy prior to my joining the Wardens.

He doesn't remember anything about this incident. We held a funeral for the rest of the dead, they were cast out onto into the water and the boats set alight by fire arrow. Connor asked what had happened to them. I don't envy whomever has to tell the poor boy what that Demon did.

Eamon is still comatose. The Arlessa is still going on about the Earl of Sacred Ashes. I read a lot but I'm a Grey Warden not a scholar. Father Genitivi is a brilliant scholar by all accounts, but their have been many brilliant scholars since Andraste's betrayal and all of them have failed to find the Urn. And to make matters worse he is missing. And what's even worse is that his home is in Denerim, right at the heart of Logain's power. Still I promised to see what I could do.

I briefly conversed with Sten. Mostly about the Qunari and his mission. I thanked him for not killing Connor. He thanked me for finding a way to cleanse the demon without doing so. But he demanded we get back to fighting Darkspawn. I told him that everything we did was towards that goal. He seemed skeptical.

Morrigan was exhausted after her battle with the Demon. She made me promise not to tell anyone that she had felt afraid. I told her I had to, when facing the demons in the Circle.

She asked me about the Circle, probably wanting to know about the place she had spent her entire life trying to avoid winding up in. Flemeth had told her stories about what happened to little girls who wandered too far and were captured by the Templars. From what I gather it wasn't pretty.

That gave me an opportunity to ask about something I had been taught to fear, namely unsanctioned magic, it sort of came up when we were talking about shape changing. We talked about how she learned it and I asked if it could be dangerous. Morrigan accused me of wanting to throw her in the circle, but I pointed out that if I hadn't trusted her I wouldn't have sent her into the fade to deal with Connor.

She asked if my mother would have done what Isolde wanted to do for Connor, sacrifice her life. I told her my mother had done that back at our Castle. She told me matter of factly that Flemeth would never have done such a thing, unless there was some gain in it. I don't have to be a blood mage to know what she was thinking then.

Morrigan said what really kept her going throughout all the fighting was that she would never forgive herself for dying before getting to know more than Flemeth. In yet another act of recklessness I gave her Flemeth's Grimoire. She lightened up like Griffon after a snack. I told her she was still not permitted to die. Morrigan replied that she was more than capable of not doing that.


	28. A Time for Love

Author's note: This happens the same day as the conversation with Morrigan in case it wasn't obvious.

After we made sure Conner was ok Alistair and I went to a quiet place to talk. I was able to receive his rose. Alistair told me he cared for me. I care for him too. We kissed. He's eager and sweet but it's obvious that he isn't very experienced. I told him I need time to think about us. It's not that I don't care for him,I do, more than I have for any other lover it's just that...

Maker I can't do this again. Not after what happened with poor Dairen. I don't know what I'd do with myself if Alistair go hurt. If he died because of me. And it's not like we Grey Wardens have much of a life to live anyways. Thirty years of fighting Darkspawn and then you take one last trip into the Deep Roads. Is this really the kind of life I want to share with somebody? But aren't we already sharing it?

At least we both know how we feel about each other. We'll stay in Redcliffe for another day and then head off to Maker knows where.


	29. Drawing up a plan

The advantage of staying at Redcliffe is that we can finally get news of the outside world. The entire country's been thrown into chaos by Calien's death and the Bannorn has refused to bow to Loghain. It's civil war. And I'll give you one guess as to who the "Hero of the River Dayne"'s biggest supporter is. That bastard Howe now has the gall to style himself Teyrn of Highover. Nothing beyond vile cursing can express how I feel about this.

Loghain must have guaranteed that Howe wouldn't face retaliation for his vile act. They were planning this from the start. I wonder what dark secret's Loghain's heart held. Probably the same as Howe. Envy and arrogance combined with a treasure trove of viciousness is the recipe for a usurper.

Wynne urged me not to go down the path of vengeance. She said the time would come for Arl Howe to get justice but right now we needed to focus on the Darkspawn. But it was Alistair who calmed me down in the end, or I should say we talked each other down. I will do my duty but Howe will suffer in the end. I promised Alistair would get to finish off Logain. He left Howe to me.

So I've assembled my little army and we've decided where we are to go. We are following up a lead Morrigan found. Specifically she was able to purchase a Golem's control rod from a traveling merchant while we were off in the tower. Our package is in Honnleath. Morrigan myself, Griffon and Leliana will head to Honeleath while Alistair, Sten and Wyne will attempt to aid a convoy of refugees. Once we meet up we will attempt to head to Denerim by way of the Brecilian forest.

I hope Alistair understands. I believe we need a Grey Warden at the head of each detachment and I would never send him away solely because of my feelings, but I just need more time to think. But I can't bear to see him hurt. Both physically and emotionally. He seemed nervous about being in charge of his own group but I told him the truth, that I believe in him and if he had just a little bit more confidence in himself he could do amazing things.

I told Alistair that I'm looking for something beyond the physical and he agrees. If we both agree when we get back together than that settles it. It feels good to have a person to hug again.

Before we decamped I talked to Wyne. She asked some odd things about abominations. Specifically if they could retain their sanity and humanity. I told her that anyone with humanity probably isn't an abomination. I mean what do I know. I don't understand why such an accomplished mage would ask anything like that of me. Maybe it's because I navigated the fade?


	30. Zevran

We've been delayed a day because of an ambush. I suppose I'll start at the beginning.

We were all trekking along, Leliana talking to Morrigan about cute bunnies. Morrigan snarked that they tasted good in a stew. Griffon barked in agreement. I laughed. Leliana called us all barbarians. I pointed out that even Grey Wardens needed to eat. She reiterated the point.

A women ran up to us with tears running down her cheeks wailing about how her waggon train was under attack and she needed help. Before I could ask her for anything she ran off screaming towards the waggons. We ran after her. I couldn't sense any Darkspawn.

The wagon train was stuck in a gully. I couldn't see any fighting. Their was only a short skinny elf with tan skin, long hair, and tattoos on his face. And our acquaintance standing right next to him. The once distraught woman turned to us with a smug smile on her face.

The elf assassin gestured to a platoon of soldiers behind the wagon who formed up around him. Archers ran out onto the ledge above. I heard a crack and was narrowly able to dodge a tree that came crashing down. We were trapped. The Elf, later I found out his name was Zevran, announced that I was going to die here.

Naturally I did not die there. Griffon and I, with my shield raised to deflect the arrows, fought in the center while Leliana snuck up onto the ledge to take out the archers. Morrigan used her new Cone of Cold spell, maker the women did a lot while we were gone, to keep some of the others off us while Griffon and I went for Zevran and the Elf respectively. This elf turned out to be a mage and have I mentioned I hate lightning spells. Because maker I hate lightning spells.

While I fought Zevran I accidentally left an opening and when I realized this I thought I was done for. It was obvious to both of us, but he didn't take it. I smashed him to the ground with my shield but made sure not to kill him. We needed someone to interrogate and I was curious as to why he spared me.

He didn't even need interrogating. As soon as he woke he told us everything, in between the snarking because of course I wind up with the snarky assassin. Alistair would know what to say.

Of course it was Logain who hired him to kill us. Somehow in spite of all he's done I keep expecting the man to have some lows he will not sink to, some reason to be called the hero of the River Dayne, and each and every time he gets lower and lower. Next it'll be slave trading or something equally vile.

Zevran asked to be taken into my service. The Crows have a nasty habit of killing any agents who fail their missions, and seeing how we defeated the force sent after us, Zeveron figures I and my companions will be able to protect him from future reprisal. He also gave a whole story about how he was bought at a slave auction and forced to become a Crow.

Under ordinary circumstances I'd take this as the standard sob story and ether kill the man or banish him from my sight. However I happened to know a very smart lady from Antiva for a few years and she told me things about the Crows. Zeveron's story checks out with what I heard about them. Maker how I miss Oriana. Young me would have skinned herself alive before saying that. And I know what decision she would have wanted me to make.

Morrigan suggested I have my food examined. Leliana was supportive, though the elf annoys her to no end, as he does all of us. But I've taken a child killer. I see no reason why a cadd of a crow would be any more vile. We're taking him with us to Honnleath. Presumably a Golem would do well to keep our new friend in line. Until then I have first watch.


	31. Shale and shoes

Author's Note: Am I the only one who just loves Shale?

My companions and I arrived at Honeleath just in time to save some of the locals from roving Darkspawn.

We fought through the town to reach the golem. Zevran fought valiantly, so valliently that if it hadn't been for Morrigan's Cone of cold freezing some nearby Darkspawn he would have been hacked to shreds. Does he have a death wish or something?

The Golem was frozen upright with it's arms raised as if shouting in rage. We laughed about that. Morrigan invoked the dead villagers we found hanging at the entrance to the town and asked how we could be so callous. She suggested it was hypocritical to call her the callous one. Dark times make for Dark humor I guess. Before I joined the Wardens I could never have imagined joking after seeing such slaughter.

Leliana asked if we could name it Fulffles. I told her a golem wasn't a pet. She complained that I never got her anything. I asked what she would like, one thing led to another and now I'm obligated to buy Leliana the first pair of good shoes I can find. I now understand what my mother had to put up with.

To make matters even more frustrating we couldn't activate the Golem. After rebuffing Zeveron's request to attempt to seduce the contraption I decided we'd try to search the town. We recovered some good equipment but nothing that would activate the Golem. Morrigan found these strange crystals. She said she'd seen Sten collecting something very similar. I resolved to converse with him about this.

We lost sight of Zevran for a bit, you can imagine my reaction to that. He came back claiming to have found a door to a cellar. That cellar turned out ot be a laboratory, a laboratory overrun with Darkspawn..

They had already killed many villagers but the survivors had taken refuge behind a magic barrier, but it was under attack when we found them.

Leliana and I fought the Darkspawn infantry, Morrigan went for the archers and Zeveron slew their mage. Morrigan was injured but she used an injury kit and brushed it off.

The Mage who put up the barrier was called Mathias. He was the son of Wilhelm, the war hero. My father told me about him. Wilhelm was a mage and a hero in the war against Orlais. He brought a gollum to assist King Maric and after the war he was made the court mage of Redcliffe. Eventually he given leave to settle and start a family. Wilhelm lived happily ever after until he was found dead beneath his golem by his wife. Needless to say Mathias did not remember the golem, called Shale, fondly.

He himself required our aid. His daughter Amalia was frightened during the attack and ran into her grandfather's trapped laboratory. The traps had killed the man sent after her but Mathias insisted she was still alive. I thought her chances were slim but we'd cleared out far worse than a few traps and I was not going to abandon a child without being absolutely sure of her fate. Morrigan as always snarked about my "turning the Grey Wardens into Thedas's bleakest charity", but followed along after us, as always.

As it turned out these "traps" were in fact demons. Also darkspawn had gotten through somehow because my day couldn't get any more taxing.

Morrigan later found notes that explained that Wilhelm had been using his newfound freedom to conduct forbidden research on demons. In fairness he believed studying demons was the only way to cure possession. This is probably what killed him. I expected Morrigan to be laughing at his idiocy but instead she seemed genuinely sympathetic. She even called him brave and said we'd all be blind without the sacrifices of men like him. It would have been easier to deal with the demons, and my comrades, if I had a certain handsome ex Templar by my side.

We found Amalia talking with her cat. It talked back. This eloquent feline was in fact not a cat at all, but rather a desire demon. In fact the demon was the same desire demon Wilhelm had written about. He had weakened it and sealed it behind a barrier, before his untimely demise. Amalia wasn't possessed, but the cat held her under some sort of charm, and she refused to leave it's side.

I couldn't leave without her and the cat offered a compromise. She would possess Amalia and leave with us. I told her we would release the demon and in exchange it would let Amalai go. None of my companions objected, not even Leliana, though she had a concerned look on her face.

The demon accepted and explained we had to solve a puzzle to undo the wards and free "kitty." I had no idea how the hell the various pieces stone pieces were supposed to fit so Leliana, who had solved puzzles like that in Orlais took charge. What kind of venues did she play at?

Morrigan whispered to me that my "plan" was brilliant. Weakening the wards would increase the Demon's power enough that it wouldn't have to possess Amalia to defend itself, the Desire demon wouldn't want to risk losing it's host, especially one so young and fragile. Furthermore a demon released from captivity for so long would "stretch" itself out to search for power. and loose the tight focus necessary to charm a single person. I didn't bother to tell her that I had done all this just to buy time. So I guess now both my mages think they can go to me for magical advice, lovely.

So as the barriers fell I told Leliana get the girl out of there. The Demon, ether out of greed or sensing we were about to betray it, decided to posses Amalia. Morrigan was able to block her and I informed this false cat that unfortunately she was dealing with a dog person. The Demon brought some friends but we took care of them as well.

Mathias was greatful and told us the correct phrase to activate the Golem, his mother had sold the rod and given the buyer an incorrect phrase. Before we took our leave I made sure to tell Amalia to stay away from any talking animals, or any men as sketchy looking as Zeveron. She told me he looked cute. I despair for the young.

Shale is small for a Gollum, and very snarky. She'd been,understandably, quite bored with her lot in life. In particular she'd been tormented by the birds, what with being a statue out in the open. She has literally been living the shittiest life possible. Shale insisted on referring to me as "it", so I refer to it as her. The control rod was broken somehow so she feels no compulsion to obey me. Far from being a mere contraption Shale was now a living thinking being, and I shall treat her as such. She still agreed to follow me, as she viewed fighting the Darkspawn as a worthy cause. The desire demon was most likely the reason for Shale's violent behavior towards her master, though she did not lament his passing. With it gone she should be reliable. Still I will keep an eye on her and the other on Zevran. He could be deep undercover for some unknowable purpose. And it wouldn't surprise me if he switched sides to some other faction he believed could protect him.

On the way to the Rendezvous point we went to a merchant and bought Leliana some Blue Satin shoes. Zevran took a surprising interest in the fashion, gushing with Leiana about some boots. Even Morrigan wanted to buy some boots, she claimed it would help her with spells. I doubt that very much. I didn't buy anything I just surveyed the rows of adorable shoes. Shopping for cute shoes, dancing with friends, all that "girly stuff", it feels like a lifetime ago. Some part of me hopes I can have that life again, or at least something like that. Their were no shoes in Shale's size and she probably wouldn't fancy them anyways.


	32. Obituary

Author's Note: How do you like this little joke chapter?

In penance for making jokes in the presence of the dead I hereby commit the names of those lynched by the Darkspawn at the entrance of Honnleath to this page.

Emma, the village herbalist, they said she'd brew special potions that relaxed you and made you see visions. I'm also told they made your really hungry.

Old man Gilbert, the villege's angry old man who used to curse at any small children who ran onto his land. According to eyewitnesses his last act was to call a group of Genlocks, "Damn whippersnappers."

Ser Gilbert Glover, second son of the Bann, sworn to Redcliffe. 25 years old and quite the ladies man, already the father of six children all of them legitimate. Maybe if the Landsmeet had chosen the Glovers to be the ruling house we would not be having a Civil War right in the Middle of a Blight.


	33. The Date

Author's Note: I hope you like this chapter. The Castle I am speaking of is Winterwatch tower. I haven't written many romantic relationships before so I hope you'll leave a review and tell me how I could do better.

Today I have commited the most irresponsible act a Grey Warden could. I gave myself a day off. Ok technically it was not a day off, we spent a fair bit of the day moving across the Hinterlands.

After our group reached a good place to stop, Alistair and I announce that we were going to scout ahead. I don't think anyone but Sten believed we were going to be doing just that. Leliana laughed and told us to have fun while Morrigan rolled her eyes and went back to reading her mother's grimoire, while Wynne told us to be careful, her voice full of worry.

We couldn't find any inns or taverns, but Alistair told me about an abandoned castle he used to play in as a child. I thought it would be a good place to have a picnic. We walked together and talked about our lives and what we liked to do for fun. He told me he used to collect wooden statues of creatures and knights. I told him about Delilah and Habren. How I once tried to train them as warriors. I wanted them to be my comrades in battle like their fathers had been for mine. Delilah tried for a week before telling me she wasn't interested and Habren said the whole thing was unlady like, and would only consent if I got her a suit of jewels. I had enough Habren stories to keep the both of us occupied until we reached the ruined castle.

We ate and joked and snuggled and kissed. We laughed about everyone and everything. I felt like I was just me again. I told Alistair this and he felt something like that, though being a Grey Warden is too important to him too ever stop thinking of himself as such.

I told him about how Fergus and I used to go exploring in a similar place, an old fort from the Black Age. Alistair asked if it had something to do with the werewolves. I, elated I finally had somebody to discus interesting historical facts with got to rambling the story of how we became Teyrns, and how nobody's sure if Haleia or Mather Cousland was the first Teyrn because they were married to each other, and so both received the title. I could tell Alistair couldn't understand what I was talking about, but he listened nevertheless. I can't say the same about some of the other boys I've been with. Alistair became more animated when I started talking about the actual werewolves, comparing my knowledge to the stories he heard in his childhood.

I offered to buy him a statute of one when we got to Denerim. He agreed and thanked the maker that statutes were the only werewolves we were going to see. I lightly punched his arms and told him that after everything we've seen, Darkspawn, drakes, and even the Archdemon itself, that the one creature he thinks probably isn't still out there are werewolves?

Defensively, he said that maybe these werewolves would be different, maybe they'd have some sort of sympathetic backstory. I said I'd give him a sympathetic backstory, I don't even know if that's a double entendre or what but I thought it sounded sexy when I said it, and you know how these things go.

We didn't go all the way though. I honestly don't know why. We both wanted too. And I doubt we'll have privacy like this for a while. Something held us back. At least we both had a good time. I told Alistair I wished we could do this more often. He said we would, one day.

We told everyone about the castle, it was a good place to make camp. I go to bed alone, but for the first time in forever I believe I will have pleasant dreams.


End file.
